spar partner or enemy

weak or holding back ?

My POV :

It's been 3 years. 3 whole years since I've been close to Ajax. Technically, I know him since childhood but because he's 1 year older than me, we got really close when I joined the harbingers at 18. When I got in, Pantalone introduced me and I had an eye contact with this dear « Tartaglia ». That's when we mutually recognized eachother. After the reunion for my encounter with the others, I setted myself appart. But then, OUT OF NOWHERE, Ajax reached to me with a « hey, correct me if i'm wrong but, you're the girl I know since primary school, and with who I searched for a present for... someone, right ? »
I was like NO WAY, it's really him ?? is it really though ???? and replied to him with a bit of hesitation.
« me : the person we supposedly searched a gift for is *with a lower voice* your younger brother Teucer, right ?
Him : So it really is you, Y/N ? OMG it's been so long ! you've changed since then !
Me : oh woaw, it's really you Ajax ?! I can't believe it, it's been what, like 5 years since we last saw eachother ?
Him : Yeah, time flies huh... but look at you ! You look like a woman now, and you're as pretty as I imagined~
Me : pff, already flirting are we ? how about you ? you're all tall and everything now!»
These were the first words we exchanged before going on and on with what happened, our interests and got to the spar part. Thing is, we love fighting since a long time so he proposed « because we're both into battle so much, we could maybe, fight at least once a week to get your fighting skills to level up ! what do you think ? » I was in love with the idea, I mean why wouldn't I be ? getting to test my fighting skills, discover new moves, new strategys, level up my battle-thinking, physic strength and all of that with a long time friend ? I was ready to sign !
So, 2 years passed by, we fought around 4 times each weeks, but I never... won against him. It was like, something was holding me back from winning even 1 battle. On top of that, being the before last ranked harbinger (counting me in), there's no way I am challenging the others if I can't even defeat him. Plus, never got to do a mission on my own. Then, a new person came on, she was a pretty little fighter named Lumine. She's not from this world, I senced it pretty easily at our first meeting. At the beginning, everything was alright exept for my battle frustration, but, I always managed that on my own. We were hanging out and laughing all three, lumine, Ajax and me. But I noticed some details gradually as the time passed by. 1 year had gone by, Ajax was not interacting with me as often as before, he only called me for spars when lumine wasn't available, so the number of spars got to 1 or 2 per weeks. And I never won, she did, lumine won againgst him multiple times. It was... idk... annoying ? frustrating ? no, not that, itw as more like... heartbreaking and discouraging. I had trained so many times, fought so many times, saw his moves so many times, so why was she able to win after three tries. I just don't understand, they kept going on, ameliorating themselves, and I felt like I was only standing by, not moving at all, it was... Nauseating.
So I tried stepping back. Only a few things had changed ! I trained even more, ate a little bit less but that's alright and refused only a few times to spar against Ajax, instead, I was fighting big monsters, meeting people observing around me the other harbingers...

Ajax's POV :
It's been a while since Y/N became a harbinger. She's amazing and really strong, I didn't know this side of her until 3 years ago when she joined. Even though she changed a bit I recognized her determined gaze that sent me chills throughout my whole body. When I made sure it was her, I couldn't believe it, she became a beautiful young lady and she was still interested in fights. I had to shoot my shot and we got an arrangment. We fought every time we wanted so around 4 times a week, but there were two things bugging me.

- First : I realized I was starting to have much more personal feelings for her, I don't know if it was just friendly or romantically and it is bad for our job.

- Second : she was holding back during our battles even though I told her not to. It is frustrating knowing that, every time, I fear that if we go both all out, she might defeat me or I might hurt her really bad and I don't want neither of that.