There's a piece inside me that's dead. The ones around me won't take the death of it into acceptance. I can't seem to leave this behind: a soul, the legal soul, the soul embodied and enforced on me by the ones that created my body, the soul of a name. I have made a name for myself; I am forced to carry around a name of living, and a corpse.
The living and the dead: a...c...g and Pluto Maverick Guilbeau, born on October 16th 2008.
It's not much fun having to live as the person I am, my body is not exempted to be the same as my heart, mind, nor my soul.
This body should not be mine The body I was chosen to live inside of puts me through various different types of torture. This rotten body has betrayed me to an unnecessary amount. This body has made me reflect as someone I am truly not. The brain enclosed inside my skull ,that I should not own, infected a segment of my mind with life-ruining, hell-like disorders: Adhd, Odd, anxiety and selective mutism. My physical body was enforced by the dimwitted government with the label of female, physical features that make me look feminine, and an extra feminine childhood: but this is not me. Not even the heart encapsulated inside of the dry bones is me, the heart just sits inside of my empty chest, pumping the warm blood through my red veins. my body should not be my own.
My body is not the one I am, nor the infected piece of my mind. My mind is no longer in line, I am obligated to live with such crippling disorders and the repetitive days of having to remind people that I am no longer the woman I was forced to be, but a man.
Why..why did the body I didn't choose to be encapsulated in, curse my young eyes and fragile mind this way. I desire to experience a bit of gratification at least one time during my life.
The one writing this story is not entirely me either, just the physical outcome of what my real self wants to do.This deceptive body should not be mine. This body is not me.
There has only been one part of this body that truly is who I am, the soul. My overused soul, the soul that contains my mind and heart, the soul that is trapped inside of the physical body that I decry, the body that shouldn't belong to me.
My soul contains my fragile heart and the part of my mind that hasn't been taken by the disorders. This is the real me.The real me is given its unique personality through the deep feelings the heart and mind produced. Whenever I express that I identify as a male my heart and my mind begin to feel as if they are now complete.
The diverse feelings I experience are always going to be different from the people who encompass me. That statement is extremely correlated to the occurrences of the melancholy life I live. During the boring lessons at the school I attend , my peers suddenly begin to mention and ask many things about the astonishing fact that my trapped soul has been put into the wrong body. The others' hearts must feel complete inside of their own body, but mine does not. Then out of self defense I continue to make a rude joke. My heart then proceeds to feel utterly sorry because I know what having the bitter mention of your name being the entertainment between the people whom you are surrounded by feels like.
In certain times, the heart I own begins to feel an unfamiliar, warming kind of love towards a person. My eyes and my enormous heart feel very intrigued, but gradually over time the blood-boiling intentions of the one I deeply loved became clear.
He used me.
He used me for affection. He used me until I had no more love left inside of my heart, because I gave him everything. Which left me deeply upset. The heart that loves the most is always most used.
I have trust issues, I have bully trauma, I'm different, I'm neurodivergent, and I'm an insecure person that is taken advantage of. I am a very loving, hyper, outgoing, fun boy; but the body I possess does not permit me to show that.
This unknown body that my soul is contained in is only the physical part of me, the physical body that should not be mine is the most deceitful thing that I own. Why is this body mine?
