the things I can't out loud

I have nothing

My entire life, I have felt a strong, intense love for my family. I have wanted nothing more than to grow old and be happy with my huge family, all my siblings, my parents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. 

Sadly, in the past three years, all that has completely fallen apart. I am far from blameless, I admit all of my mistakes and wrongs, but my family turns to me as if I am to take every speck of blame for the issues in my life. This could not be further from the truth. I am not the sole blame for all the issues in our family. However, while my abusive father has been forgiven and welcomed back into family spaces, I am left on the outlines, never invited to anything, not allowed to speak to anyone, and everyone acts as if any space I am in is immediately unsafe. 

I am not a vile person like my father, and yet I am treated like a criminal and villain in my family, while he is welcome to parade around playing happy families with everyone. 

The only thing in my life that brings me consistent joy is my cat. Her name is Sophia and I absolutely adore her. She is laying on the floor next to me as I type this, demanding belly rubs. I do everything I possibly can to make her happy. But to my family? They say she is neglected and they say she is living in squalor. They say she should be taken from me. Do they care that she is the only reason I am still alive? Of course not. Do they care that she is obviously not neglected? No. And yet when I bring up the horrible way my sister treated the puppy she adopted, prior of course to tossing him aside and giving him to someone else, I am once again the villain. 

I am not simply the black sheep to my family, I am Satan to them.