My feelings

This is the only part of ,,my feelings" (I think-)

My feelings are very difficult, I act like I'm happy around everyone, but inside I feel left out and sad, I just want to make everyone happy, but I only end up making everyone annoyed by me.. it hurts, but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish there was someone I could tell how I REALLY feel, but no one wants to listen, but I'M the one who is always there when they are sad, I don't know what I'm doing wrong.. I'm trying so hard to be the friend they want and need, but I can't be all that in once, it's Just too much for me.. but if I won't try, they will hate me, and I don't want that, I just want someone to hug, to tell what I feel sad about and not anyone else, is that too much to ask? I just wanna feel happy, but I guess I don't deserve happiness after all if even my family doesn't want to listen to me. Sometimes, I think about k!lling myself, I mean why not? after all there is no one to live for, but I'm also scared of that.. I don't know what to do anymore, I wanna go to a teraphist but I don't want to bother my mom, what to do? my life is a mess, and I can't clean that up, because it's too much for me to take, but if I won't, people will judge me, and I really don't want that.. Oh god, I can't think of any way out of this.. what do I do? Sometimes I don't know my face, Just because I act really different to blend in, it's empty, why is that? Because it's not me anymore.. but I have to do that, so I won't feel alone, when I would act like myself, no one would want to be friends with me, and I hate thinking about being alone, I'm scared of that.. I guess I am annoying and dramatic after all.. I don't know anymore, what I DO know, is that I have to end it all somehow, all the pain.. how? I can't tell you.. you will judge me.