Life < Death

3.

Ella's POV: 12 years old
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After I ran outside the house with my dad following behind me I start to speed off and sprint down the road to Mrs. Jackson's house hoping she's home since her work days have been changing recently and haven't told me her new hours and such.

I'm almost there and dad won't know where I am going. I'll be safe and okay until I go back tonight when he is asleep. It'll be okay

I'm trying to calm myself down- it doesn't really work.
I was gifted a fidget ring and I wear it every day and it helps to calm me some what down I just suck at the breathing part trying to calm my breathing so I don't go my full panic mode.
-
I walked up to Mrs. Jackson's porch and knocked three times on the door. I know random number- if I don't do three times, or walk on the side walk and take usually three steps in between or I feel like imma die or something bad is going to happen.

OCD am I right-

I'm snapped out of my counting thoughts when I hear the lock unlock and the door slightly screeched open and to see a lady in her late 40s pop her head slightly out will beginning to speak.

"No, I don't want your damn solar! Leave me alone please!"
"Mrs. Jackson! Haha! I don't sell sell solar Mrs. Jackson!!"
"OH! It's you Ella! My apologies!
HOLY TAMOLY! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU FLIPPEN ARM CHILD?!! WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING!!"
"Oh.. I-I u-uh.. fell and a bunch of twigs and stuff where around- and leaves and such..."
"You fell out of THE TREE?!"
"Y-yeah...hehe.." I was so nervous,  I don't want to get caught.. I feel like I can't tell anyone what happens in my life and I just need a place to be able to breathe.

"Come inside sweetie!" Mrs Jackson said to me, and opened the door all the way for me. Since it was only half of her body I was able to see when she was speaking and now it was fully shown.
And might I say! She was dressed up so nicely today! She was wearing a black dress with long sleeves. And she rocked it!

I felt out of place walking into the house since it was bigger, and fancier type of home.
All of her kids where also dressed fancy with dress and tux colors to perfectly match their skin tone and eyes.. While I'm over here with scars all over my arms and legs with wearing a beat up light blue shirt with denim shorts.

I had good cloths for me to wear and go to school in. But compared to these people- I look like a little rascal~

"Come this way sweetie. I'll have someone help you with your marks on your arms."
"Okay..." I just continue to follow in silence until we got into the bathroom with the first aid kit.

"Here, I'm going to grab my husband to help
You. I have to go to work. I am so sorry! Stay and hangout with the kids! You don't have ti babysit just stay for however long you want!"

"Thank you for everything Mrs. Jackson."

"Anytime."

--

I was all bandaged up, and had a snack of apples and peanut butter. It's so good I highly recommend actually.

After my snack I said my thank you's and goodbyes. And headed for the door with my backpack.

I sigh and open the door heading back down the road. By the time I get home it was around 7:30. I took the long way and walked a bit around the neighborhood.
---

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!" My dad shouts at me as soon as I walked through the door.
"I went for a walk." I say defeated.
"Well it's been 4 hours!!" At this point he is standing in front of me looking down at my 5'3" self. I can smell his breathe. When is he not drunk. He always is now a days and I can't handle this. With this thought I stepped to the left where he wasn't standing and headed upstairs. I knew this was going to get me in big trouble. I will be hit and tortured more but I needed to escape.

And walking upstairs and I could hear his voice slowly fading behind me.
__________
Ella's POV: 14 years old
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⚠️suicidal thoughts and little actions may trigger some? ⚠️
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I'm in pain. I can't take this. I'm hurt, bleeding, pretty much everyday. Why am I even still here? School sucks, life at home sucks. All I have is Mrs. Jackson.

I grabbed my pocket knife and flipped it up so the knife was showing. I gently start to drag it on my wrist next to an already open wound.
I was fine doing this- I'm not going to lie it's kinda addicting after a few times.

At this point in my life I just feel sad. I still smile here and there.  But nothing like when mom was here.

Leaving my room takes so much effort.
Talking is a lot of effort.

Existing takes a lot of effort.

⚠️- your good now 😎

School- is a place I go to one or two classes then sit in the bathroom or the library. I know maybe one person who used to be my friend.
But she dropped me since she found out I was on the more poor end of town.

There's one other person I know who also never attends classes.

William Paterson.

But I never talk to him. He looks like he is one of the 'bad kids' in our grade. Our town is small and there's only two schools that start in elementary school up to high-school. So we all end up staying with each other unless someone moves to another town. But the small town of Vetsun (AU: i made this up, so if this is actually a city- mah badddd 🤣) is actually pretty. I enjoy sitting in the park on one of the benches under the tree.

--

Walking to school.
Listening to music in my 1$ store earbuds which work surprisingly well.
Blaring my ear drums out. Playing music from my moms iPod. I'm currently saving anything I can/find on a phone in the future. Hopefully. I can get my work permit soon so hopefully I can actually do better than babysitting.

But I enjoy this little thing in life. Expect the fact it's not helping me as it used to. I used to feel free listening to this type of music. But that's not happening anymore?

I was confused on what I was doing wrong from this one escape I have in life?
But I continue listening to the songs on my playlist and I'll deal with that later.