See Me✔️

See each other (26)

"I want you to know that it is okay not to love me. I want you to know that you are not the first person who found it a little too tough, who took two steps
back when my jaws started snapping."

"Freak" some girl yelled out as I walked by her.

It's now Monday day, and I have actually survived most of the day.

Evelyn, Violet and I we're walking down the hallway to the cafeteria room.

"Shut the fuck up before I beat you bitch" Evelyn yelled out to her, the girl backs away with her group of friends.

"It's okay Evelyn! I'm fine, they're just words" i say to her patting her arm.

"I don't care she should mind her own business" she says the last few words out loud enough for the girl to hear them.

We continue walking through the hallway on our way to the cafeteria for lunch.

Mason isn't here today and Lana didn't go either, she said she wasn't feel good but I don't know she looked fine to me.

"You don't think it's weird that Mason hasn't really talked to you since you've come back?" Evelyn asks.

I guess it's kinda weird but I don't really think about it.

"Um yeah i guess it is, i never really thought of it" i say back.

"Aren't you guys dating?" She keeps throwing questions at me.

"I'm not even sure anymore, he's acting weird. Like really weird." I say, I feel the gut feeling again.

"I think you should talk to him" she says as we arrive to the cafeteria.

I nod and we sit at the table, Noah and Blake arrive a little bit later.

"Hey guys!" Noah greets us.

"Sup" Blake says as well.

We say our hellos, Evelyn and the boys get into a conversation about the new show they're watching.

I zone out, I think about Coleson and I little adventure to our old spot.

How he gave me the envelope that could potentially break my heart. I think about how this moment doesn't feel real.

How nothing has felt real since I tried to kill myself.

"Do you guys think I ruined my life after I did what I did" i don't think I can say those words out loud.

Blake looks at me with sympathy, Noah shakes his head.

"No Stella, you were just struggling" Evelyn says, the boys agreeing with her.

"Did i ruin it with Mason?" I look at Noah, he's the closest with him.

Noah looks hesitant, "he's just... he just doesn't know what to feel or think"

"We actually don't know, he hasn't really talked to us about it. He's been distracted lately" Blake says defending him in a way.

"Oh" is all I can say but I know deep down nothing is the same.

I stare at the wall in front, "I think I'm gonna go home, i don't feel so well" i tell them, they all look concerned for me but nod either way.

I get up and walk to the parking lot after I called my mom to let me go home early.

I go into my car and leave after I turn it on, I feel my face get soaked by my tears.

Nothing is going right, nothing is the same.

I lost Mason because of my selfish decision, he lost all of his love for me.

I feel like he found someone else, he had too. With the way he's acting.

I get into my drive way and get inside after I parked.

I drag myself into my house, and into my room, and into my bed.

I don't have the energy to do anything, to be awake with my thoughts.

I cover myself with my blankets, I'm so cold even though the weather today is sunny.

I'm shivering with how cold I am, I cover myself with everything I can it still isn't enough.

I run my hands through my hair, once a i pull it out a chunk of hair came out with it too.

I gasp with how much came out but the shock goes away and I don't care anymore.

I don't think i care about anything, I want to die.

I don't want to be here anymore, i don't know why.

This feeling feels deeper than just my dad and brother passing, what if I'm stuck with this feeling for the rest of my life?

What if the hole gets deeper and deeper until eventually i actually succeed in... dying.

Would everyone actually be better off with me being gone?

Would mom finally be happy, truly happy with the one person who killed the love of her life being died?

Mason could be with the other girl.

Everyone will be okay without me.

Why do I feel this way? The hole in my chest is bigger and it's shaped like my old self.

Three years ago, i was happy. I was okay, i had coleson and my dad along with josh.

I wasn't hurt, I wasn't feeling those thoughts. Those feelings.

But what if I was and the passing just triggered it?

Am i always going to feel this way.

A knock on my door interrupts my train of thoughts.

"Stella? It's mom" my mom's voice fills the silence.

I let her come in, she sits on my bed.

I turn to my side facing her, she runnings her hand up and down my cheek.

It's comforting, I missed this side of her.

"How are you stells?" She asked with the most sincere voice.

I sigh, "I don't feel so well, not just physically but mentally as well"

She looks at me "I'm sorry, I wish I could take your pain away" she says.

I run my hand up and down her cheek like she did with mine "I wish I could take yours away, you deserve to be happy more than me. You deserved to die old with your love of your life" i say.

A tear runs down her cheeks, i wipe them away.

My mom is in just so much pain, we both are.

If i could take anyone's pain away, it would be hers.

Because even if she stopped loving me for just a second, I never stopped loving her.

In those seconds, I loved myself for the both of us. No matter how much it hurt to.

She lays down next to me, and we both cry.

We cry because nothing will be the same, we cry because we're both in pain.

We cry because we both lost the most important people in our lives.

We understand each other more than anyone will ever understand us.

In this moment we see each other.