To Flip a Coin

Chapter 1 - Turn Down For What

"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds." ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Decision-making has always been one of my strong suits. From picking what movie to watch to choosing the person I want to spend my life with, I've relied on a trusty coin in my pocket to make the final call.

When people ask me, Lucy, how do you always know what you want? I simply show them the coin and explain that whenever I face a dilemma, I flip it, and leave the decision up to fate. Good or bad, I trust in the coin's wisdom. 

But little did I know that this seemingly innocent coin would start to cost me more than I bargained for.

****

 The sound of his snoring that I once drifted off to sleep to now only served to annoy me. With my other hand that wasn't holding the knife, I brushed his blond hair away from his sweaty forehead. At that moment, I couldn't help but wonder if he, too, was trapped in a nightmare, mirroring the one I was living.

As memories of happier times floated around my mind, I couldn't escape the reality of what he had done to me, to us. The weight of his actions bore down on me, a heavy burden that would forever linger. No matter how vivid those memories of love and joy were, they could never erase the pain and fear that now consumed me.

It never did and it never could.

But even in that desperate moment, I couldn't bring myself to follow through with the dark impulse that had plagued me for the past week. An Impulse that would Uno reverse all of my previous planning. The famous "just do it" tagline from Nike echoed in my mind. It seemed like such a simple concept, but in that moment, I couldn't "just do it."

"Goodness gracious, Lucy," I muttered under my breath. As I steeled myself to take that final step and twist the knife deep into his flesh a sudden flash of blue light erupted from the nightstand, piercing the darkness and illuminating my surroundings.

"Sorry, I don't understand," Alexa chimed in, oblivious to the tension in the air.

I groaned in frustration, desperately whispering, "Alexa, no! Turn off!" But God had chosen that moment to intervene, replacing the imminent danger with a burst of unexpected sound.

"Okay! Playing 'Turn Down For What' by DJ Snake and Lil Jon," Alexa blurted out, the volume impossibly loud in the confined space. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the absurdity of the situation before darting them back to the stirring man in front of me. Before he gained consciousness and realized that a knife was dangling over his throat, I quickly yanked open the drawer of the nightstand and hid the weapon below a Bible.

"Babe, what are you doing?" He asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Just thought I'd turn on some music while I get ready for work," I replied softly, glancing at the alarm clock, which was currently flashing 3:23 am. 

Don't look at the clock. Don't look at the clock. 

He looked at the clock. 

"Work doesn't start for another 4 hours." He stated, arching his eyebrows in an accusing manner.

"I'm going to work out," I told him while playing with the hair tie on my wrist.

"You've never worked out before a day in your life."

"Well, I've suddenly become a fitness enthusiast and I've decided to embrace the early bird life!" I declared, still trying to keep a straight face and hoping he wouldn't catch onto my blatant lie. The truth is, I'd rather snuggle up with a warm cup of coffee and binge-watch my favorite shows than subject myself to an early morning workout.

"You do need to firm up these thunder thighs," he said with a mischievous grin as he playfully squeezed them. It took all I had to keep from vomiting all over him. "You would look so beautiful if you dropped 10 pounds."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right. That's why I'm doing this," I replied, my voice barely above a whisper, as I struggled to maintain a facade of agreement. Deep down, I seethed with resentment and frustration. 

What I really wanted to say was something along the lines of 'Take a long walk off a short pier, you imbecile.' But instead, I swallowed my pride and forced myself to agree, even though every fiber of my being rebelled against it.

 I knew that showing any hint of defiance would only make things worse and that would keep me from plan B: escaping to a different town and never coming back.

"Give me a kiss before you go," he pleaded, gently pulling me towards him, his touch lingering on my thighs as he held me close. The air crackled with tension, and my heart dropped down into my stomach. For a few seconds, my reasoning was clouded by irrational hormones. Buried deep within my bruised heart were remnants of love that refused to die. Could I have already forgotten what he did? What he let happen to me? No, I didn't forget and that's what gave me the strength to pull away.

My heart raced as I met his gaze, desperately searching for an excuse to create distance between us. A wave of panic washed over me, threatening to expose my true intentions. I couldn't let him see the fear that consumed me, the desperation to escape his toxic grasp.

"Why are you pulling away?" he questioned, his brow furrowing with suspicion.

"I haven't brushed my teeth yet," I said, steadying my voice so he wouldn't hear any trepidation.

He studied me for a moment, narrowing his eyes as he searched my face for any signs of dishonesty. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn't notice the mint of my toothpaste. Apparently satisfied with my response, he reluctantly released his grip on me and laid back down like a sulking puppy. Words cannot describe the relief that flooded my body.

"You're always making excuses, Lucy," he scoffed, his voice dripping with condescension. "You're just looking for ways to avoid being close to me. It's pathetic."

'You really want to know what's pathetic?' I thought to myself in disgust. 'You. You freaking pansy.' 

Oh, if only I could let loose all the words swirling in my mind. However, instead of saying anything that could jeopardize my plan, I mustered the strength to force a gentle caress across his face. "You know that's not true."

"I know it's not, but you have to understand that you're the one who causes me to feel this way."

"I'm sorry I made you feel this way. Why don't you go back to sleep and I'll be back in a bit to make you breakfast?"

"Okay, thanks babe. You're the best." He mumbled, rolling over and stuffing his face into his pillow.

'Oh, so one moment I'm the worst, and the next I'm the best,' I thought to myself, rolling my eyes at his ever-changing mood. It was like riding an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight but today, I was determined to break free from this roller coaster, even if it meant unbuckling myself while it was still in motion.

Turning away, I take a step away from the bed and move into our bathroom. In order to make it seem like I am "brushing my teeth", I turn on the faucet and let it run. 

To make good use of the running water, I grab a washcloth from the drawer and wipe last night's mascara off from under my eyes. As I gaze into the mirror, the harsh bathroom light reveals more than just smudged makeup. 

My eyes widen as I notice the bruised marks on my neck, a cluster of hickeys that serve as a painful reminder of last night's events. With a heavy sigh, I continue my routine, picking up a brush to run through my hair. The roots of my brown hair are starting to grow out from my once vibrant blonde highlights.

 Sucks that I'm leaving before my next appointment.