The Time Capsule

Part 1

17th of October – 1.20pm

He didn't mean it. He couldn't intend to be that cruel; he was probably talking about someone else with the same name. That was the only explanation that made any sense; otherwise the small corner of my mind that I had refused to acknowledge was right, right about him and right about how pathetic I truly am. 

I cringe, as the scene replays in my mind. Would it have been less humiliating if I had been just him and I in the room? I doubted he would have said anything... he probably would have stared at me confused and walked out to save us both the embarrassment, but life doesn't play out the way you want or the way you actually deserve. 

No, life likes to throw in scenes worthy of reality TV just for the fun of it. Well life, sorry to report but that was fun for no one. I shouldn't actually blame life; it was my own damn fault. More specifically Seva from two years ago, she was the reason I was currently hiding in the schools bathroom with tear stained cheeks.

Mrs Carson idea of a time capsule seemed like a good idea. "To be opened at your high school reunion in twenty years' time" she had said. That's why I had chosen what I had put in there. Twenty years. 

No one would see it for twenty years, more specifically Patrick Ashley. Patrick would be clueless until he was 35 years old and at that time, we would already be married with two kids and a pet cat (or two). He would find out what I had placed in there when I was 15 and madly in love with him.

I had convinced myself it was a good idea and with the help of my best friend Grace we found that the positive outweighed the negative. 

In twenty years' time, the worst thing that could happen was everyone in my high school class finding out that 15 year old Sevarine Zimmerman had a big fat crush on Patrick Ashley. It wasn't like I would be attending my high school reunion anyway and judging from the number of friends I had currently, no one would even care. 

It just felt good to know at some point he would know the truth. It was a frivolous act, and everyone needed to do something frivolous at least once in their life.

Therapists say writing letters can help release feelings you've been keeping inside, and by writing them down, even without the intention of sending them to anyone can take away related anxiety or stress. 

To be fair, that part was right. Writing down my feelings for Patrick felt like I was talking to him face to face, it wasn't like an awkward conversation where I rushed out what I wanted to say with many variations of 'umm' and 'erm' thrown in. I just explained at my own pace how he made me feel. 

I didn't have any siblings so thankfully never had to worry my annoying younger sister finding the letter and sending it to Patrick before I had placed it in the capsule (if I was Lara Jean I would have literally killed Kitty).

Looking back it was a stupid idea, writing a love confession letter to someone you had only had one actual conversation with. 

I had known him since I was nine years old, and despite not actually talking to him more than once, I had overheard conversations he had with other people or people mentioning things about him. The more I heard, the more I liked him. Everyone loved him. 

That was another thing that Grace had mentioned that pushed me to put my love letter in the time capsule. "Seva, everyone loves Patrick, seriously I doubt he'd single out your love confession more than anyone else's." Sadly Grace from two years ago was wrong.

Grace was right about everyone loving him though. Patrick seemed to walk through life with a golden aura surrounding him. He was a magnet and everyone who was blessed enough to be in his presence were all copper coins. 

Because I had known Patrick was funny, charming, clever and smart it made me nervous around him. I had wanted him to spot me from across the hallway and notice my chilled, laid back attitude. Instead I was twitchy and awkward whenever he was near and my eyes didn't know where to look. Thinking back, he must have thought I was really fucking weird.

The one conversation I had with Patrick happened about two weeks before I stupidly put my love letter in the time capsule. 

I was sitting in my English literature class and pulled out my stash of chewing gum from my pocket. I did it carefully and quietly as everyone knows the minute anyway hears the rattle of gum, people pounce and before you know it... you've given it all away.

 Patrick was in my English class but sat two seats behind me so sadly I never got the opportunity to stare at the back of his head, however I made sure to drop pens in order to get a glance of his face, or look at the clock located on the back wall of the room multiple times with no intention of actually reading the time.

It was one of the times I had swivelled around in my chair, pretending to look at the clock when I heard a quiet "pssst" and assuming it was not directed towards me I had turned back around in my chair. It was only when I heard another "Pssst" and then "Sevarine, pssst" that I realised someone was trying to get my attention, and that someone was Patrick Ashley.

I recognised his voice the second he had whispered my name. I'd heard it a thousand times before in my dreams. I prayed to the Gods above to prevent the blush that was forming on my face, and turned around to face him. It was a difficult task, looking at someone that beautiful head on.

 My concrete grey eyes focused on his caramel and honey swirled eyes for around two seconds before I had to look at his nose instead. Medusa had nothing on that man. "Can I have a piece of gum?" That was all he asked. I didn't even have enough breath in my lungs to formulate a response. I just nodded and gave him my last pack of gum, worried that if I tried to push a piece out of the pack he would notice my fingers shaking.

 He didn't say please or thanks, and after taking a piece, he put the pack in his pocket and continued writing in his notepad as if the earth shattering moment to me, hadn't even taken place. When I told Grace that he had finally talked to me, her face had screwed up before she slapped me with the reality "Seva, he just stole your gum."

But apparently one conversation was enough for my heart to confirm this was the real deal. He was it. And everyone knows you have to fight for what you want, despite being nervous and slightly awkward I was no coward. 

Putting the letter in the time capsule was also supposed to act as a boost. It was supposed to give me enough courage to finally initiate a conversation with Patrick, or sit closer to him in the cafeteria. It was a reminder of what could be if I just moved outside of my comfort zone and be braver.

But two year had passed since then, and I had still done nothing. I never tried to get his attention or sit near him in class. I was still as awkward, if not even more so when I was around him.

Two years after writing the letter and watching it being buried in the school yard with shovels of dirt thrown over it, I was glad it was buried and wouldn't be open for twenty years. Over the past two years, I started realising how ridiculous the idea had been and how embarrassing it was to confess my undying love for someone who probably didn't know my surname and had stolen my pack of gum. 

I was ok with the idea that in twenty years' time, people would read the letter and probably laugh over it. I just had to make sure I was living in Alaska or Greenland; somewhere far, far away from everyone.

Twenty years was a lifetime away. I was ok with twenty years. I probably would have been ok with ten years. What I wasn't prepared for was the time capsule being dug up and opened two years after its burial, while I still had a year left of school before college and still had to see Patrick every day.