Insufferable (Tom Kaulitz)

Losing control

( trigger warning// this episode includes a bad mental episode. I myself struggle with BPD and wanted to really embody my character and how I would genuinely feel being in her position. This is a short chapter and hard to write but I hope you truly feel the position the character is in .. enjoy )

We walked slowly along the road, his gun never leaving my head, every few steps id feel the pressure harder against the sore spot where he struck to knock me out.

My mind had completely turned on me as all I could feel was numbness. It felt as though someone else was now in control of my body and my consciousness fell so far back into my brain in a cozy nook of acceptance.

There was something comforting in knowing if he wanted me dead I would've been killed along time ago. I did so much to put myself in deaths way and it hasn't happened.

I knew in this moment I couldn't afford to push the boundaries and maybe instead of fighting to escape I could outsmart him. Trick him into thinking id submit.

My conscious mind sat huddled in the darkness of my thoughts, trying to plan the smartest moves, as if I was in a game of life or death chess. My subconscious kept my body moving forward at his command.

I was growing frustrated at all the bad possibilities to every move I made across the board. His pieces attacking mine violently at every move I played.

Before I could conjure up another outcome I was pulled back to my outside body. My eyes now fixated on the fancy car with the missing back light.

No more gun pushed into my skull. I was back at point one. Tom opened the back door to the car and I obliged. I slowly crept into the back seat and stared out the window. Again feeling my mind nestle deep into my thoughts.

The chess game began again. My pieces moving against the board and Toms piece taking it out. Restart. I move forward, his piece takes out mine, restart. I move to the side this time, again his piece overrules mine. No matter what move I made his move was better.

I could feel my brain throb hard and the frustration become overwhelming, I was losing control of the situation.

I shot myself back to my body taking a second. I stared blankly ahead of me. Suddenly my body had a mind of its own as my fist flew up and punched the seat in front of me. The pain of the leather crunching against my fist felt good.

"Fuck you" I muttered before shooting another punch forward. I sat there another second. Then threw another punch. I could feel my knuckle begin to rip from the impact. Then I threw another and another.

I began slowly kicking and punching the seats in front of me now repeatedly, each punch now going faster and faster.

"FUCK YOU.. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU" I screamed louder and louder.

I could feel myself losing control. I had always struggled with mental health, anger issues, borderline personality was what they liked to call it. When I could feel myself losing control of a situation it would make me spiral.

I lost all care of being hurt, in this moment I wanted to die, I wanted to just face death head on, I wanted to beg for it. My skin crawled and it felt as if my limbs wanted to rip off my torso.

I screamed and screamed beginning to dig my nails into my skin and dig deep drawing blood. I had fully lost control of myself. I kicked and threw my body around.

I was then ripped out of the car and smashed against the ground. I pounded my fists into the dirt and began smashing the back of my head and heels of my feet into the ground. Screaming into the night at the fury that had filled me.

Tom straddled me and held my head down to prevent me from any further damage.

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" i spewed out angrily.

The feeling was indescribable. It wasnt rare to have a episode but to this extreme was dangerous. I wasn't taking my medication regularly anymore. I thought I had it under control.

The acceptance of being kidnapped and thrown around.. abused. It had triggered an episode so violent. The last time I had gotten this way an ambulance had to be called.

These German assholes we're reaching so far into my brain and ripping out every piece of sanity I had clung onto.

I finally stopped struggling as I had now exhausted myself. Both tom and bill had horrified looks on their faces.

It made me smile a bit to know how disturbed they were. I let out a low laugh. They didn't look so tough then. I felt the burst of laughter explode in me. I was now uncontrollably laughing under Tom. He had both my arms straddled under him.

I must have seemed insane, laughing menacingly non stop at the current situation.

"She's bat shit crazy" bills voice was shaky yet held some sternness to it.

His remark made me laugh harder. Suddenly I was met with a hard, dry smack across my face. It was then my mind steadied itself and was now calm.

I let out a couple low giggles as my body relaxed and was now letting out low hums. In this moment I didn't care about the two assholes in front of me.

I knew.. in this moment.. the scariest thing in my life.. was myself.