Just So I Could Call You Mine

Chapter 21

Mac

I rush up the stairs after dropping Jess home and close the door to my room, sinking down against it.

The coolness of the door is the perfect contrast to the my quickly heating body.

My breaths come out staggered and I start to panic feeling like I can't breath. Ugly emotions and thoughts fill me and my throat closes as my hands uncontrollably shake.

You're not dying. You're okay. Breathe. I try to calm myself down.

One, two, three, I count to myself.

One hundred, ninety nine, ninety eight.

The blood pounds in my ears but I try my best to continue counting.

Ninety seven..........

Sweat drips from my face and I can't control my racing breaths. I shake out my hands, hoping to shake off the panicky feelings.

Suddenly I feel like I'm that young defenseless boy again, trying to hold the door closed.

Is it just me or has the room shrunk too?

I need to get out of this.

I pull myself up from the floor and pace my room, counting and shaking out my limbs. My heart slows to a normal speed and I wipe the sweat from my brow and the tears that have escaped onto my face.

I pad my way quietly to the bathroom, knowing mom and April have already gone to sleep.

I splash my face with cold water and stare at my expression in the mirror.

I hate that when I try to talk about him anger or anxiety rears its ugly head somehow.

I've never spoken the whole truth out loud but I think I need to to start healing.

The hurt has made me who I am, do I even want to 'heal'?

I can't keep Jess at arms reach forever, but I'm afraid of her reaction if she ever has to witness my fight or flight responses.

Fucking terrified.

We haven't talked about what's going on between us either. Even more terrifying.

I distract myself with thoughts of her. The good thoughts I think when I am around her, and still think about for forever afterwards.

The sunshine in contrast to me.

I stare at my face in the mirror and try to understand what she sees in me. I hope to death she could see past Landon and see me.

Not that she deserves me but I would do anything to make her happy.

Little soft footsteps break me from my thoughts. April's tousled head peeps through the bathroom doorway.

"I had a bad dream," she rubs at her eyes. I sigh softly and carry her back to bed. Her head nestles in my neck and I stroke her back to calm her.

I want to protect her from the world so badly because I know all too well how scary it can be.

"Night Mac," she whispers sleepily through the dark.

I tuck her back in and lay beside her until she falls back asleep. I listen to her soft breathing and erratic little snoring.

"Night April," I kiss her forehead and go back to my room.

Dad has missed out on this big time if he was someone else, but I don't mind anymore. The resentment is still there but I push it aside.

I lay wide awake waiting, and soon enough by a stroke of luck I get what I was hoping for.

A text from Jess.

Jess: I hope you're doing ok. I cooked dino nuggets when you dropped me off and they tasted amazing! Night x

I type back a sarcastic comment about her cooking. 

I smile to myself in the shadows, surprised by how happy this girl simply makes me.

Get it together Mac.