Who am I anyway?? I am afraid to show who I really am. I wish people would stop calling me weird. I say thank you. I act like I don't care, but it hurts. Weird is not a compliment. I like being different. But weird?? Not as much. I don't know. I realise I am kinda weird, but to people have to tell me so often?? I mean I have enough self induced issues.
For example: I think my legs are too big, my butt too big, my stomach too big, and my personality too big. I talk too much. My toes are weird. I have too much acne. I am too outgoing. I am too mean. I am too nice. I want people to not be mean to me. I want the mean looks to stop. I want the name calling to stop. I want my friendships to start. I want a boyfriend because they like me, not because they pity me. I want people to notice me, but not too much. I have wide feet so I don't like wearing sandals. I don't want to wear the clothes I like because they don't really match my reputation. I want to wear makeup sometimes so I might be accepted. I have tried so hard to act and look like someone I almost became that person, JUST so a boy would like me. I want to say I am fabulous but I feel like an ogre. I put on a brave happy face so people won't ask questions. My biological mom is terrible, but I can't let that get to me. I have put on a cheerful façade my whole life, I am not socially allowed to have a bad day. I want people to accept who I am, but I put too much effort into being normal. I can't stand being "normal", it's rubbish. I want to have a boyfriend, but I want the perks of being single. I want my life to be perfect, but be able to tell of my hardships. I am so thoughtful and caring, but people don't see that. I pick up trash left behind, but people don't see that. Bad people get good, and good people get bad, but normal people get worse... So who should I be??? Should I be myself, and put up with the ridicule that comes with it?? I mean, I want to be. Honestly, I do. What I don't want is for people to point out my many flaws to me. I know I have these flaws. I don't need some person to help me out with it. It's rubbish. Life doesn't always work out the way I want it to. I wish people would accept me for who I am. I think I am pretty cool. Sometimes. I have so many issues. But doesn't everybody?? It can't just be me. It's gotta be a lot of people. Seriously. I don't think I can cope with this madness called society.
I look back at the things that I have done and some are really good... Some of them are not so good. I am not perfect. I know that. What I don't know- No what I don't understand, is why people feel the need to be "perfect". Perfect does not exist on this world called Earth. Perfect describes one thing: God. I am not God. You are not God. Whether you think so or not. I believe that one day I will receive the gift of eternal life. I won't have to worry about materialistic things. God made me in his image. He made me fearfully and wonderfully made. He is right at my side. He doesn't regret anything about me, so why should I??
So I had a boyfriend for about a month. It was fine for awhile, but he would always point out how other people look better than me. He told me I should act more normal. He said that I should be like other girls. He thought I should wear crop tops and prance around in tiny shorts I don't want to do that. That's not who I am or who God calls me to be. He compared me to other people constantly. He even said, and I quote, "why can't you have boobs like Sam"? I should have broken up with him right then and there. But then later he PINCHED MY BUTT. That is so disgusting. I told him to stop. He did it again. Granted, I did one of those laughy stops. So I didnt do anything about it. The next day. He snapped my bra. That time I firmly said stop. Later, he just kind of snapped my bra. I broke up with him the next day. I never said anything bad about his appearance. And let me tell you! He was not small. Maybe I will get a boyfriend in high school. But you know what?? I DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. Its not like I NEED a boyfriend. Who cares?? I enjoy being single. It makes me feel free to look around... If you know what I mean.
