there is something strange about a girl needing a dad. like there is a hole when one isn't there. it's even stranger when one stuck around but was never really a dad. at least he was there. but why was he there? as a child all he did was blow up at us. he made me feel as if i was to blame cause things didn't work or something spilt. i don't remember seeing him much, although when he was around he was asleep. and on the random chance he was awake we tried our hardest not to upset him. but we were kids. we needed help, guidance. every time we would ask for help he spoke in a tone that made me feel dumb for even trying to do something. he was harsh, when it came to anything. i'd make a comment about the trees and he'd bring it back to deforestation. i'd be so proud of a new art skill i learned and he'd show me a video on how to properly do it instead, it hurt my feelings so much i can't even remember him saying it was good or not like he remembers it. i remember just being a child, just coloring, exploring, playing. he sat me down to talk about how messed up the world was, the government is. he spoke his lyrics like they were prophetic. to this day i don't know if i'm glad he taught me this or not. maybe as a thirteen year old, but a four year old shouldn't be worried about the crash of the market. a child shouldn't be worried about your finances. your child shouldn't be worried about if they are going to have a roof over their head next year. a kid should have friends, ones that stick around for longer then six months.
i just remember waking up at four years old, when he got upset i didn't understand how to wash dishes, or when he stuck my hands in the hot water because it wasn't hot to him. i truly don't understand why a kid had to be yelled at to understand something. there should no real reason to yell at a child unless they are in harms way. as i grew up i just accepted this was him. loud and angry. my mom was both my caretakers. i had to learn a lot more on my own instead of asking for help. i grew up flinching when kids at school would yell at one another, even if was joking around. so much about my dads actions translated to fear. now that i've grown i don't do anything people tell me to do unless i chose to do it myself. his mind was always ready to jump for his decline of a career. when he should've been teaching me what a man is, what a man does. Instead he filled his nose with angel dust and his liver filled with beer. i thought i was past this. i thought we had changed. but god dammit i can't even look at him the same way. now look at me, every action and every word you say sways how i am the rest of the day. i just wish i had a role model, someone that i could go to cry too. i lack the emotion to show him when i'm around. i try to mask but as soon as i leave i feel a fucking hole in my heart. outside perspective will say i didn't have it as bad, there are others that go through worse. but god damn i wish he just left instead. he makes me realize i have so much shit to break, to be better for my son. seeing how he acts with him makes me want to implode. i get so upset seeing him get what i wanted as a child. the only way i can see healing is if i leave completely. but there is no way to do that without compromising my life. i hate that we are similar in so many ways. looking in the mirror and looking in my brain makes me want to dig everything that is him out of me.
i don't feel this way because i think i deserve better then others, or i have a different case. but coming from a mothers perspective i can't understand why a father would choose to stay with a failing career choice and choose to yell over helping solve the problem. there is something about parents, even if they aren't ready for a child, that will usually kick and show compassion. im just wondering why it took 20 fucking years to figure this all out?
