trapped // hwang hyunjin ✔️

chapter forty-one

is it wrong to want more

choi luna

i laid naked, leg thrown over hyunjin's bare waist, a hand resting on his bare chest, my other hand propping up my head. hyunjin had one arm wrapped around me, holding me close, his other rested under his own head as he lay on his back. everyone was passed out in the living room, hyunjin and i had obviously gone back to his room for a little more fun. i was idly tracing my fingers over his abs, lost in thought.

this week with hyunjin had been amazing, our first date was amazing, the sex was still amazing, we weren't awkward, hyunjin had finally relaxed more around me. i even went with him for a therapy session, his therapist informed me how well he was doing once he gave his approval for her to do so. she had originally wanted me to wait outside, but hyunjin insisted i came in, stating that he wanted me to be there through every emotion. the good, the bad, and the ugly.

i think it's safe to say i've definitely experienced those and more with hyunjin in the last five years. we were closer than ever and i couldn't be more happy. though as always, the negative thoughts popped in and out of my mind. worrying that this could all just be some elaborate act and he hasn't changed one bit, but his small outburst earlier told me that wasn't true. the fear in his eyes when he was worried about going back to his old ways was real.

but the worry i had regarding his obvious commitment issues was still alive and well in my mind. he had never had a girlfriend, never went on a proper date until a week ago, and while i was glad to be the first, i couldn't help but wonder if he would ever be able to commit to me. he had told me he loves me, multiple times, and it truly seems like he means it. yet he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend.

of course labels don't matter, they never matter. but was it really wrong of me to want that from him? to want him to call me his girlfriend? the guys had talked about how i was 'taken' now, but was i really? of course we were together, but were we together? this thought had been eating away at me for some time now. would he ever even want to call me his girlfriend? could we ever get married? would he want to get married? those are all things i've always wanted to do, i've always wanted to have a partner, be proposed to, and marry them.

but the more i thought about hyunjin, the more i realized he was never the commitment type. he probably never even thought about marriage, and that was a deal breaker for me. of course being married doesn't truly mean anything, but i've always wanted to have a wedding. call me cheesy, but a gorgeous white dress, posh champagne, and a beautiful venue has always been something i'd wanted. would he be able to give that to me? i know for him what he's already doing is a lot, taking me on dates, and saying he loves me.

that's a lot for someone like him. and i couldn't help but be worried that he wouldn't be able to give me more. is it wrong to want more?

"what are you thinking about, baby?" hyunjin's sweet voice pulls me from my thoughts.

"just the future." i shrug.

"what about it?" he cocks his head at me. should i tell him?

"what are we?" i ask. i could tell he was taken aback by the cliche question.

"w-what do you mean?" his stutter didn't go unnoticed.

"are we a couple, friends with benefits, what are we?" i clarify, even though i knew he knew what i meant.

"we're together, if that's what you mean." he answers, avoiding the word couple.

"are we?" i question. he chuckles.

"of course. get some sleep, you're not in the right state of mind to talk about this." he giggles, placing a soft kiss on my cheek. i smile at him, but couldn't ignore the sadness eating away at my insides. he purposefully dodged the question. he carefully leans over to click off his lamp, letting the darkness swallow us. he rolls over on his side, turning me on my side as well so that my back was pressed against his chest and he was spooning me. "goodnight, princess." he whispers in my ear.

"goodnight..." i knew he heard the sadness in my voice. but he ignored it.

"i love you." he kisses my ear.

"i love you." i reply. but i knew i wouldn't fall asleep. maybe i was pushing him too much, maybe he wasn't ready to fully commit to me. but i was ready, and i didn't know if i wanted to wait any longer when i had really been waiting for five years. i felt tears stinging at my eyes as i thought that this all could have been for nothing.

i love hyunjin, but i wanted commitment. i deserved commitment. i should have known before i ever fell for him that he doesn't care the way i do. hwang hyunjin proposing to someone? it was more likely that pigs would fly. but that was what i thought about the date, how he would never be caught dead on a date with someone, but he was on a date with me. so maybe he had changed, but why had he blatantly dodged my question?

i knew i was likely overthinking, but i couldn't stop it from happening.

he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.

he'll never propose to you.

he can't commit.

before i knew it, the tears were streaming down my face and hyunjin was fast asleep. his breathing heavy and louder than normal. i couldn't torture myself like this, not again. i had to give him an ultimatum. i didn't want to give up my dreams of having a wedding, moving into a big house, and starting a family. i couldn't give that up. i shouldn't have to give that up. i needed to have a talk with hyunjin about what we both want from this relationship. and if he doesn't want the same things,

i'll have to leave him again.