Bacardi & Coke

you should see it

You should see it.. 

I stare at myself everyday as I get ready, trying to perfect the application of makeup over my acne scarred skin, a recurring theme that leads me me staring into my perfectly golden brown eyes, sometimes if I keep staring into it I see the light from my vanity catch the light of my pupils leading to reveal my gold specks within them. My makeup was never perfect but definitely an improvement of those I surrounded myself with. I had an obsession with appearance, at least keeping them up especially if I was surrounded by them. 

I don't know if I could call them friends or foes but something about them drew me towards them, whether it was the music they streamed or just in general, I always felt like a misfit but perfectly incorporated within. 

how we all met was somewhat of a blur, but that didn't matter now. 

I remember this day particularly. the week following it had been odd, especially since I had outworn the new wardrobe I had bought myself prior in a delusional state of mind to make a boy who didn't care; suddenly care.

I didn't even care, I just wanted to upkeep appearances which sounds incredibly shallow of me but with the amount of immense pressure and upbringing I had on my shoulders, if you were in the shoes of my size 6/1.5 's you would be able to understand my approach to teenage rebellion. 

I was particularly confident as I had dressed myself up with my new long coat that these foes always took the piss out of me, my mum always said it was jealously; part of me agrees, the other just makes me think irrational about my sense of self. I was particularly proud of my makeup today, my eyes perfectly smoked, the bluster on my cheeks emphasised my cheek bones. I was trying, for myself but for the approval of others. 

I caught the right attention, in my opinion but to the others I had been hiding from them the most inner turmoil. I was trying but not in the malicious way they were all spectating behind the scenes but just trying to be a teenager. 

I have a lot of regrets about that. something to this day still hurts my hearts when I think of the week following. the disgust look on my previous best friends face when I commented on my attraction to a fellow friend/ her ex. the one thing that breaks every girl code. the one thing that kept me from inner happiness and complete depression at the same time that has slowly been eating away at me since the first day of September the following year when he was just a stranger, no name behind the denim jacket, flannel pattern and dr Martin Chelsea boots that I admired so much.