Ever had that one little tiny voice in your head telling you "whatever you're thinking - don't do it." Well for me tonight, that was the case. And it wasn't just telling me, it was more like screaming over and over again not to do it. That I'm only going to hurt myself and get more depressed than I was before. But the little rebel in me just quickly shut that voice up and did it anyway. I don't know exactly why I did it though. To check if he is okay? Nah. To see how happy he is? Haha, definitely not! Maybe it was to see if he's doing as well as me, or even better. Doubt that but whatever the reason, what's done is done and cannot be changed. Well at least for 72 hrs. Doing this, what I noticed is that the little voice that was telling me not to do it, was so scared of my heart dropping, basically breaking and me bursting into tears like I used to about 2 years ago. When I did it, I didn't cry, my heart DID NOT drop and for a while everything was just okay for me. If anything I had no feelings what so ever. Not sad, not mad, nothing. Which is great right? Considering that 2 years ago I would be devastated over basically nothing. I honestly think it took me a year to get over it and another year to forget everything (which I'm about 90% done with).
I'm proud of myself! Now I wish I was doing better mentally and physically. At the end of the day, there always has to be something bothering me. Not having a job, worried if I'll ever pass college, worried that I owe money ,worried if college is even helping me, worried about my future, worried that I won't have enough money to support myself, worried about my health, worried about my weight, worried about my looks, sad about not having friends, sad that I'm loosing friends, and etc. The one thing that's not on my mind is having a relationship because I know that would put way too much stress to add onto my plate. Other than that these problems just get me depressed and anxiety. I don't even pay attention to what's happening in front of me anymore. Some might read this and think "dang! This chick is stressing about all the little things, wait till you're on your own in the real world!" Blah, blah, blah! I've hear it all before, and I do think about that too, like damn if I am so stressed at this point of my life, I know I would definitely have extreme high blood pressure once I graduate college! My only stress reliever is Netflix at this point. I'm in need of a miracle!!
On the end of that note, I don't mean to use Wattpad as a "personal blog" or "diary" of some sort. I just find it easier to post on here than it is to post on WordPress or some other blog sites that I've tried. I don't mind the comments either.
