I look at the door that gives to my balcony, hesitant.
Since Dad has been so eager to try to find a new coping mechanism for me other than...yeah.
But...really? Talking to the moon?
I don't think it'll help.
If anything it'll just feel way worse.
I glance at the clock.
It's the perfect time for me to see the moon...
“Uhmm, hi grandpa. This is my eleventh time contacting you like this and I’m still awkward about it, but Dad says it’ll help me and stop me from… cutting. I feel like a burden, so bear with me. I’ve thought about it and if you excuse me, I’m going to romanticize the heck of it… I mean, I’m talking to the moon… I feel like a poet of some sort, it suits me.” I wipe my face as tears fall from my eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can be much more pathetic than this, though,” I add as I smile at the moon.
“...it’s not pathetic.” Says someone out of nowhere.
I look around and notice a head hanging from the balcony above. “Hi...?” says the person.
I rush in and close the window.
I sit down as I hyperventilate.
My palms get sweaty and I can’t hold my phone.
I look at the time, Dad is probably sleeping by now: I'll have to resolve it myself.
I walk to my kitchen and get my asthma inhalator.
I use it and sit on the cold floor and brace myself, throughout the night, not closing an eye.
I wake up as soon as I hear Dad’s keys chiming and his happy whistling. “Hey, what happened?” he asks worried, as he helps me get up and takes me to the living room.
“I was doing what you advised me to do but, then, I noticed someone listening and so I panicked and I- they looked scary and I couldn’t even get a good look at them, before storming in.”
“Did you hyperventilate again?”
“…yeah, but I did just fine. I did fine.” “…I’ll stay here tonight, ok? In case this happens again. But first, tell me: did the person threaten you? Did he say something?”
“He popped up, as I was talking, and said ‘It’s not pathetic’.” I reply, mimicking his voice.
“Out of nowhere?”
“After I said that I felt pathetic.” “You’re at it again?”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok. I’m not mad.”
“I… am thankful for everything. I’m not so ungrateful for what you do. I just do not know how to do this thing.”
“I see.”
“Mun, if it makes you feel uncomfortable it’s ok, you don’t have to do it, no pressure. Just promise me you won’t hurt yourself anymore.” “Am I going to have to go back to that facility?”
“No, I promised you would never have to.”
“Tell me the truth, though, Dad.” ”What is it?”
“...wasn’t I the reason tough?”
“Of what?”
“Of Grandpa’s death?”
“Why would you be? You had nothing to do with it… we already talked about it.”
I nod, although I don’t believe a word he’s saying.
“Please don’t sleep here tonight.” “What? Are you planning on throwing a party?”
“Are you for real?”
“I mean, you don’t like GOING to parties, might as well bring them to you.”
“Ha, funny.” I say sarcastically.
“How’s Mom?” I ask as he sighs.
“She’s doing fine, still missing you.”
“I miss her too.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, she’s still my mom, even after what happened. She suffered to bring me to life and give me the best she could, so I should at least show some respect for that.”
“…just for that?”
“Of course. Is there something else to love or miss her for?”
“You’re talking about her as if you were talking about a family friend or a teacher.”
“Too bad, that’s all I can express.”
“I wish you could. Ugh, I’ll put the groceries in the fridge and cook you something before giving you your meds.”
“…I love you, Dad.”
He turns around and smiles.
"I love you too, Mun."
After he gets out of my apartment to take something in his car, I get on the balcony and look up.
He's not.
I sigh and sit on the floor as I water my plants.
Dad put some cardboard on the sides of the balcony to shelter me from other people's eyes but not in the front so that I could still see the view.
Someone knocks on the door.
I look in the peephole and see someone I don't know
I leave the door closed and sit on the couch.
"Hey, Uhmm. I'm your neighbor, the one from yesterday. I'm sorry for scaring you and eavesdropping. Uhmm, I'm Mingi, Song Mingi."
I get close to the door.
I hear him talk with Dad and rush into the living room.
Dad opens the door and I wait for the neighbor to get lost.
" That's the guy from yesterday's episode? "
"Yeah."
"He looks kind and nice."
"Hmm...can I come home tonight?"
"You wanna come home?"
"...I don't want to stay here."
"Because of that guy?"
"...yeah."
"I'll stay this night."
"...what if we found a new apartment?"
"We're not moving."
"...fine."
We eat lunch together and he leaves the apartment.
I should tell the neighbor that I’m sorry for ignoring him…I’ll write a letter and put it in his letterbox…yeah, I’ll do that.
I take a piece of paper and write an apology on it.
I sign it as a neighbor of his and, with my keys in my hand, I head to the first floor, where the letterboxes are. I shut close my apartment door as I head down in my black hoodie, shorts, sunglasses, mask, and rainbow Converse.
I put the paper in the letterbox, but as I turn around, some voices scare me, so I freeze and pretend to be looking in my letterbox.
“What are you doing?”
Are they talking with me?
I decide not to turn around and just head home.
“Hey! You were gonna steal from my friend, weren’t you?” says the person, getting closer.
I turn around in a rush and give them the letter.
I watch the guy in front of me read the piece of paper.
“So you were only gonna give him this?” I nod.
“You don’t speak Korean?”
I hesitate before shaking my hand.
I slowly get away from him and run to my apartment.
I’m crunched on my bed, trying to calm down, as my watch goes off, indicating that my pulse is too high. I get a cold shower and I can calm down.
I reply to my Dad’s call...
“Hey, I saw the notification from your watch, everything’s ok?”
“Yeah.”
“I… just had a panic episode.”
“You did? Are you better?”
“Yeah, I had a cold shower and calmed down.”
“…good.”
“I’m going to hang up, see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
I hang up and notice a piece of paper in the middle of my living room.
I take it and read it.
It’s signed with the neighbor’s name, Mingi.
It reads (in really beautiful writing): Hey, my friends gave me your letter and there’s no need for you to apologize. I am the one who’s sorry for having eavesdropped. I talked with your dad, who’s young and handsome, by the way, and he told me that you’re not keen on… getting to know new people, so I’m ok with just writing if you want. Uhmm, I also wanna tell you that I have not listened to your other ‘talks’ to the moon or your grandpa and I think you’re doing everything well. I lost my grandpa too and I think that you’re idea is really really good. I’m here if you wanna… write.
I stand up and put the letter on my kitchen table.
I then take out a paper and write another letter, in which I tell him how I was diagnosed with a severe case of Amygdala Hijack and social anxiety, so I’d rather not contact him again if there’s no need to.
I finish writing my journal and go put the letter in his letterbox.
I rush back in and eat something, before eating and going to sleep.
The next morning, I wake up to another letter that slid from my door to my living room.
I think nothing of it and just put it aside in a drawer.
