Reflections-C.L

One last breath

DW: Mentions of anxiety, alcohol abuse and smoking.

Azerbaijan GP
Sunday 12nd June 2022
After Race

He DNF'd. She got P4. Not good enough. Not well enough. She saw her championship slowly going away. She felt so pressured. From her team, from her family, from everyone basically. And she knew where this pressure was leading her. It was leading her to anxiety, sleepless nights, unhealthy habits and panic attacks.

Which she had right now. Sitting at the floor of her driver room. Her back touching the bed. Her hands wrapped around her knees as her body started shaking more and more. She tried to be as quiet as she could. No one was going to notice anyway. Everyone was too busy comforting Charles to notice her absence. She didn't mind though, she got used to it. Being the second choice. Feeling invisible.

As she started gaining her breath back she broke into tears, once more. The attacks have started becoming more regular. Last time she had one was 4 days ago. And it wasn't only the attacks. She was stressed all the time. She couldn't sleep or eat. She felt tired all the time, but she always tried to hide it with some make up and lots of concealer. Always accompanied with a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of some kind of alcoholic drink.

Tuesday 12nd June, 2022
Lydia's apartment, Athens, Greece

Today was her last day in her apartment. In less than 24 hours she was going to be in Monaco, living with her boyfriend and current teammate.

The past few days she had goodbyed everyone. Her parents, her cousins, har uncles and aunts and of course her grandparents. Of course none of them knew that Lydia was going to live with a partner. They all knew that she was moving to Monaco because it was better for her job.

Now she was with Daphne at her apartment, packing a few more things. Her apartment was filled with big, brown boxes and it was now almost empty.

"Everything became so fast" Daphne said.
"What exactly became fast?"
"You moving. One day you say you will move to another country and one week later it's your last day here" she says, sighing.
"Daphne I'm not going to die. I'm just moving to another country. You both do that all the time"
"I know but it's not going to be the same"
"You know you are always welcomed to my house, wherever I am, right?" Lydia says, taking a step closer to her, opening her arms to hug her.
"I know but-" Daphne says hugging her best friend.
"No buts. I will always be there for you. No matter where I am." Lydia cuts her off. Both of them in the verge of tears.

As they go back to packing Daphne stops for a minute and looks at her best friend.
"Are you going to tell him?" Daphne asks her best friend.
"Tell who what?" Lydia asks, acting clueless. But she knows what Daphne is talking about.
"Charles. About what you are going through"
"No. There's nothing to tell him."
"Lydia-"
"I don't have to tell him anything. Everything's under control. I'm fine"

This is not going to end well, Daphne thinks to herself as she closes another box, lifting it up and putting it on top of another box.

Wednesday 15th June 2022

She had arrived in Monaco about 30 minutes ago. They have been texting the whole time she was travelling from Greece to Monaco. Both of them excited to start a new chapter in their relationship.

Lydia took a deep breath as she stood in front of his door, soon to be her's also. She thought about it for a second. What she was about to do, to start was something that would change anything. She was going to live in another country with the man that that night all those months ago decided to stay with her in the rooftop. Everything was better when she was with him. This, their relationship, was the key to Lydia's misery. All those sleepless nights and the panic attacks were going to be at the past once Lydia knocked on the door, because she had faith. She wasn't afraid for the future, for once in her lifetime, she was faithful. To the green-eyed man, to their relationship maybe even to herself.

So Lydia took one last breath, putting a big smile in her face. Holding her suitcase at the side of her she knocked on the door. A few seconds seeing the door opening, revealing the figure of the green eyed man.

Seeing her he smiled. Who couldn't?. The girl of his dreams was standing outside his apartment. Her big brown eyes shining, and her long brown hair tied in a messy bun while wearing one of his hoodies.

"Welcome to your new house" he said looking inside her eyes.
"Our house" she replied back, greeting him with a kiss.

All good. All too well.

Canada GP
Sunday 19th June 2022
Race

It was lap 36. Lydia had just changed from hards to mediums. She was P2 and was going through the 10th turn of the circuit when she felt her palms getting sweaty. She tried to ignore it as she continued driving.

Then her heart started pounding, she felt like it was going to explode out of her chest. She knew what was happening. She was doing so well. Since she moved in with Charles she hadn't felt stressed for not even a second. And now it was happening all again, except this time she was in the middle of a race, driving with 270 km/h.

As she realized what was happening her head started getting dizzy and her breath started shortening. She tried to do breath exercises but she was also trying to focus on the race.

And then everything got out of control. She stopped feeling her legs, unable to move. With tears in her eyes, feeling suffocated she tried to push more and more and more. And that's when it happened. She had a lock up and then everything went black.

Charles was P5 when they informed him that they had a red flag. As he passed through the accident he tried to see the car. And that's when he recognized the Ferrari, red car, crashed into the barriers. Lydia.

"Xavi. Who crashed?"
"Lydia" no no no
"Is she alright?" Please
"She isn't responding" this can't be happening
"Fuck. Xavi, is she alright?"
"She hasn't responded yet. Please focus on the race. I'll inform you back" Fuck the race
"I don't care about the race. Is she responding?"
Silence. Fuck
"Xavi. Is she responding?"
Fuck Fuck Fuck
"Xavi" Come on Lydia. I can't lose you too. My Stargirl
"She is out of the car" Charles took a deep breath.
"Thank god."

He kept pushing through the race. The only thought in his mind: the brunette girl. He wanted to finish the race and go straight to see her. He didn't care about the race. He just wanted to hold her in his arms and fall asleep. With Lydia. His Stargirl.