Watching Over Our Nation

Chapter 7: The mistake that cost lifes

Peter's POV:

After Marls left, I just sat there all through morning and the afternoon, thinking. I never planned for any of them to figure it out so fast. The guilt that's been clawing at my chest from the very moment I felt the Mark latch onto my arm is intensifying.

I know I'm a traitor. I know I didn't do them all justice. True, I might not have had the best position in the group, but I was their friend. No one but Sirius has ever truly made me think otherwise. And hey, Sirius is an idiot, he doesn't know what the hell he's doing half the bloody time. That's what James always says, at least.

Well guess what: I'm the real idiot here.

I never meant for any of you to get hurt, I can only think as I think of them. Including Mar- lene, especially her. What has she ever done to me?

Oh Marlene, why did you have to see that? Why did you have to see that?

Worse even: how could I ever do this to her?

I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to take the Mark, didn't I? Dumb- ledore explained the risks and conditions when I joined the Order, too. I joined with my friends, my best mates. The best people I'd ever met.

I was so stupid to shame on Barty and Evan so much, when Dorcas told us they'd joined the Dark Lord. What had I said again? "They should've never let You-Know-Who talk them into it!"

Well, look at me now. I almost laugh at the irony. That was only a year ago, can you imagine? Only a year ago, I was still happy with my friends, still a good friend who would have definitely laughed at you if you'd told him what would become of him in a year.

"I can't just betray them all like that," I mutter when I think of what I have to do. What I'm supposed to do and what I have to do if I wanna save my own ass. It's a little too late for that now, the voice in my head says. You already did. The moment you took the Mark.

The realisation that I can't disagree overw- helms me. Because I did, I betrayed them all! I was so scared that day, so alone too.

Sirius was being an enormous prick all the time. Moony was always on missions and it made him moody as hell. James tried to talk sense into him, but it didn't work: the only one he really listens to is Moony. I should have never tried to talk to him as well. That would not have ended well, in any life time.

When he made a snide comment to James and when Marlene jumped to his defense, her too. I told him to "get the fuck over him- self." That he was bothering others with his drama.

Then Sirius turned to me and I knew I'd done the wrong thing. "You get over yourself Pettigrew, no one cares about what you think right now. No one, Pete!" The silence after that had hit me almost as hard as Sirius' comment itself. No James who told him "that's enough." No Marlene who attacked him back, no Lily screaming at him.

I took a walk and honestly, I just went home. I cried myself to sleep that night. Because he was right, wasn't he? No one really cared, no one but James ever had. And now, he was choosing Sirius' side anyway. He must be, or he would have told him off, right?!

Dumbledore came to visit me the day after, reminding me of the values and expecta- tions of being in the Order. Like I didn't know. Like he knew what was going to hap- pen. It bothered me that he didn't think I knew. I hadn't seen any of my friends yet and it occured to me that they should've jumped to my defense.

It occured to me who would have: the Slyth- erins. Not for me, but in general, to people offending their best friends like that. Was I ever even their best friend? I started questi- oning it that day.