Picking Up the Pieces

Its a lie

I sat up feeling a bit dizzy. My head was sore. I stood up wobbling trying to get my balance. Once service I headed out he room but stopped after hearing someone call my name, "Caspar?"

I Turn to see Joe sitting up. He turned his head to face me, "yeah Joe?" I ask.

"Why am I on your floor in my boxers?" He asks confusion in his tone. He didn't remember? Not one bit?

"I don't know." I replied then ran upstairs to the living area. I plunged my self down on the couch and let my thoughts take over me.

Am I gay? Was what happened real? And was I ok with it? Wow I think I'm gay. No. Impossible! I'm not gay! Right? Ugh. Have you ever been scared to do something you think is right because your scared once you do it everything could go wrong? Yeah. I know that feeling. I feel like if I admit I'm gay, which I don't know if I am or not, and tell Joe it will ruin our friendship. But I would never lie to Joe.

A voice interrupted my thoughts, "Do you want breakfast?" Joe asked groggily slouching as he walked to the kitchen.

I ignored his questions and asked my own, "Can you remember anything from last night?"

He answers, "hmmmm....Only Tyler's drunk dancing." He laughed at the thought. "Why?"

Once again ignoring his question I asked another, "Have you ever felt like someone had just hit you with a hammer they didn't know hey had? Like you have just been thrown into water, even though you can't swim, to drown?" A tear slips from my eye. I was gay. But that wasn't why I was crying it was because I was gay for Joe and he didn't feel that way about me. Also he didn't remember last night.

"Cas, are you ok?" He slowly walks over and pulls me into a hug. My body just let it all out. I couldn't hold back the river anymore, I let it flow out of my eyes all over Joes shoulder. He rubbed his hand up and down my back. "It's ok, Caspar. I'm here for you."

Just hearing those words made me realise how much I loved Joe. All this time I never noticed until now. That's when it hit me. I loved him more than friends and he loved me as friends.