How did we get here?
With creaks in these chairs
Oh there aren't enough hands to point all the fingers
But I sit transfixed by a hole in your t-shirt
Oh I've said much too much, and they're trying to sweep up
"You know Patti, interesting people don't smoke," Cass said, lighting his Camel.
he had found himself in another party he hadn't really been invited to, but not not had been invited either. he was such an unnerving presence in the room most people had subcounsciously decided to gather as far away from his pale figure as possible. he didn't really care, to be honest he was there just for the beer and the cigarettes. the worst he could do were some worthless ramblings about things he didn't care for. sadly, the last beer on the table was gone and he didn't have the strength needed to walk over to the housekeeper asking for a new one from the fridge.
he hoped he could become one with the stone walls of the smokey room and just die there. "Cure for pain" would've been an appropriate soundtrack for that.
but, pitifully, the two focal points of the room were excruciatingly keeping his hazing gaze attentive:
this girl, Patti somehow had the courage and the pretentiousness to assume his beat-up scraggy face was worth her attention for the night and even had the audacity to listen to his drunken ramblings. she was an interesting girl. her curly hair a pretty canvas for her deep gaze, and her ears for some reason made him comfortable enough to confess to most of his deep useless thoughts. but in his drunken state, Cass couldn't really appreciate her features. as long as she kept lending him cigarettes and some attention he would have considered her worth having around
he glanced over at Thom, a stern look of disapproval on his face. his arm lazily drapen around the boy next to him on the couch. his mind was too numb to really get as deep as he normally would have, trying to decipher what he meant. for the night Patti would suffice.
he felt cold sweat embroidering his pale empty knuckles. god, he wished he hadn't been so greedy with his latest beer. he wished the next one hadn't been so far.
"Do you think I'm not interesting?" she said. the smoke she exhaled got in his eyes, and he felt a familiar burning
"I don't know what I'm saying." But it doesn't really matter. does it?
Cass knew she was looking at him with her big black watery eyes, and that's why he wasn't looking at her. he knew what was going to happen, and he knew it didn't really matter if he wanted it to happen or not. he had to want it to happen. It was the only right thing to feel. anyway, he was a generous guy. He would've given her whatever she wanted.
"Let's get out of here,"
he istinctively looked in Thom's direction another time. his sight was drawn to his unnatural features like the eyes of a sailor drawn to a lighthouse. as Patti dragged Cassidy to another emptier room, the Irishman kept staring at him, for no good reason, he didn't feel it was unnatural, annoying or wrong, he didn't feel anything really, he just looked at him, and he felt he was so miserable, somehow he knew it was his fault. but really, there was nothing he could do.
he obliged to pattis requests like one would do with the requests of a client. looking for the love he so desperately craved in the bony embrace. the warm touches, the open-mouthed kisses that he feverishly desired in his cold, lonely nights felt inhuman and distant. so he digged.
he hadn't really understood the magnitude of what was asked of him until she had sucked him in. in the storm of uncomfortable touches, he put his hands where he had been told it was supposed to be. everything about her felt repulsive and wrong. every part of her body was rejecting him, so he held her closer.
"i thought you didn't like me,"
"Oh, you were wrong,"
such beautiful lies they were telling each other in that worthless dance of human desire. did it really matter to any of them? as soon as she would've lied about having reached the peak, he would've lied about ever wanting to see her face again and then lie again to hide as far away. its not like any of them cared enough to question their words in their comforting cocoon of ignorance. but oh god, the sounds she was making were revolting.
