Every New Beginning Counts

Chapter 20

Kanoa's words were like a sharp knife stabbing Ara repeatedly. Instead of saying anything, she stood up and went inside the shower. Nasa gilid lang iyon ng bathtub at mayroon lamang glass barrier. Malamig ang tubig dahil ayaw na niyang timplahin. Nagmadali siyang magbanlaw para makalabas kaagad ng bathroom.

Ara took her clothes and while dressing up in front of the television, she was listening to a song playing. She was watching the video and analyzing what the lyric meant. Kahit man lang sa paraang iyon, mawala ang focus niya sa sinabi ni Kanoa.

The song's title was Mamahalin by Angelo Garcia.

"Di man mahagkan, 'di man nasisilayan, pipiliin ka ng puso ko kailanman," the lyric said.

Nang matapos magbihis, naupo siya sa sofa at tinitigan ang screen. The music video setting was nice, she thought. The lyrics were deep and based on Kanoa's entire playlist, he was listening to OPM recently. Ara herself had no idea about some Tagalog songs.

Unlike earlier, there were no tears and Ara remembered the day she found out she was part of a game. How it was so hard for her to breathe, how she wanted to cry but couldn't, and how she was able to smile despite everything.

Nanatili siyang nakaupo roon nang makita ng peripheral niyang lumabas si Kanoa ng bathroom na malapit sa kusina. Hindi siya lumingon. Nanatili siyang nakatutok sa screen na mayroong bagong kantang nagpe-play.

Kinuha niya ang phone niya at nag-check ng message galing kay Sam. Sinabi nitong gising si Antoinette at nanonood ito sa living area kasama si Sayaka. Nag-send pa ito ng picture na ikinangiti niya. Kahit sandali, maging kalmado ang lahat.

Hindi niya nilingon si Kanoa. Naisip na rin niyang pagkatapos nitong maligo, magpapaalam na siya.

Sandaling ipinalibot ni Ara ang tingin sa living room. Naroon ang mga laruan ni Antoinette, pero sa coffee table, naroon ang ilang bote ng alak. May isang kahon ng sigarilyo, pero hindi naman amoy usok ang unit. Nilingon niya ang balcony at malamang na roon ito naninigarilyo.

Lumabas si Kanoa ng kwarto at nakasuot na ito itim na T-shirt at itim na Jogger pants. Tumayo naman si Ara at kinuha ang phone, susi, at wallet niyang nakalagay sa coffee table.

"I'll get going na," Ara forced a smile. Her face lightens up because of the screen in front of her. "Just in case na you're planning to visit Antoinette, you can sa condo na lang and you won't be able to bring her here muna."

Walang sagot mula kay Kanoa na diretsong nakatingin sa kaniya.

"I can't risk her allergies since you started smoking again. I'll talk to Kuya Sam if you're allowed sa condo or maybe sa café na lang, I don't know. Let's just talk when you're sober," ani Ara at nagsimulang maglakad palabas.

Ramdam niya ang panginginig ng legs niya, pero nilakasan niya ang loob niya para makaalis na. Ngunit bago pa man niya malagpasan si Kanoa, pumalibot ang braso nito sa kaniya. Unti-unti siyang nag-angat ng tingin at nakitang halos basang-basa pa ang buhok nito.

"I'll get going." It was so hard for Ara to say it, but she had to.

But Kanoa's grip became tighter and their bodies were against each other. Magkatagilid sila, halos nakasubsob na ang mukha ni Ara sa braso ni Kanoa dahilan para muling mag-init ang mga mata niya. Ramdam niya rin ang paghaplos ni Kanoa sa bawyang niyang nahahawakan nito.

"Dito ka muna, please?" Kanoa whispered and kissed the side of her forehead.

"I can't talk to you like this. Let's talk when you're sober. Please?" Ara looked up and faced Kanoa. He was intently staring back at her. "I don't wanna hear more that could hurt me, Kanoa. Everything's just too much and I wouldn't be able to handle it anymore."