paint

Ben

Flashing lights, small hands gripping around my waist, a cigarette tucked behind my ear and loud music screeching through the speakers. This is how most weekends pan out, or well they have been as of recently.

"We should go to my hotel..." she says as her hand creeps closer to my pants.

See normally I would happily take her home, show her a good time. Have a bit of fun. But I know that as the morning will roll around I will be filled with anger and hate myself all over again. I'll lose my shit like I did this morning with that ginger girl.

Her big doe eyes batting the stupid fake camel lashes at me, she has the whole seductive look down to a T. She is in a short black dress with her tits on show, her ass is barely covered.

But for some reason I am not in the mood to spend any time with her. I'm sure she won't have trouble finding some other guy to take home.

I remove her hand away from my pants before she gets access to anything which will lead to more. She looks down and then back up at me before mumbling and storming off.

I cant be around these sweaty people, I cant deal with the weird people rubbing themselves against me. I just can't deal with people at the minuet.

I stumble out of the club and sit down on the curb outside. I watch a group of drunk girls giggling and drunk men catcalling after them as they stumble away. Cars speed past, taxis pull over to hurdle drunk people inside.

I grab the cigarette and place it in my mouth as i look for my lighter. I light the end and inhale as the cigarette starts to burn. I take a long drag and then remove it from my mouth as I blow out the smoke.

"You know you're feet will look all crusty, look at the picture on the packet." A girl with dark hair with purple highlights says.

"Dont have the pack," I shrug as I take another hit.

"A true smoker can identify what brand you have by the crusty pictures. No packet, no judgement." she shakes her head as she kicks at the pavement.

"Do you want some? or can you leave me the fuck alone."

She shakes her head and sits down next to me. She pulls out a packet, the same as i smoke, the one with the crusty feet on. She takes one out and puts it in her mouth before pulling out a lighter which is covered in marijuana leaves.

She blows out the smoke before looking at me, she stares at my face as if she is trying to figure something out.

She wont learn much, people have tried. Always failed.

I finish my cigarette and stump it out, I stand up and walk away. Leaving the girl to smoke on the side of the road alone.

...

"You cant keep fucking doing this Ben!"

"sure I cant." I say as I pull myself up onto the kitchen counter.

We both know nothing will change.

Nothing has been the same since that week, and it won't ever be the same.

My cousin is cooking her meals for the day, she is a nurse so she is gone for twelve hours at a time. But it also means I've caught her just as she is getting ready to start an early morning shift.

"Do i need to call Dr Ryan again?"

I groan, the last thing I am doing is going back to fucking therapy or allowing them to try fill me up with drugs, and not the fun kind.

Speaking of which I need to restock. That's a later job.

Maybe find some girl to spend the night with, feeling more social today. Maybe go visit Josh.

"BEN!" snapping me out my thoughts.

"Megan"

"Look I know this past year has been tough, with everything..."

don't fucking say it, don't say it.

If she speaks about it then I will spiral even more, even just the names...I cant do it. All the memories good and bad will come crushing through my body and I will lose it. I cant live through it all again.

she takes a steady breath "...but you cant go through life like this. This isnt a good look Ben, the stench, the drugs hidden in your room, the random girls, the temper, the partying. You need to deal with the problems, not mask them up with tape."

That's why it's called masking tape, you use it to fix shit. If that's what I wanna do then who gives a crap.

She sighs before putting a banana in her lunch box. She turns off the fan above the stove and walks over to me. She pulls my head down slightly and kisses my forehead, before taking a step away and staring at me.

I know the past year hasn't been easy on her either, but she is stronger than I am. She somehow keeps it all together but I guess she has to. We cant both be wrecks because we wont get very far.

"You know that she wouldn't want to see you like this..." she says before grabbing her lunch and walking out the door.