Dear Diary:
Batman here. Gotham's fiercest warrior. I haven't written in a while, it's been a month since my last entry. I've been distracted counting my calories, I'm at 3,000 a day. I said I was counting them, not lowering them. Check your expectations.
Update: Kryptonite is no longer my favorite song since I met Superman. Guy sucks, what a dick. Thinks he can walk around with an "S" on his chest and pretend it stands for hope? Could mean "shithead" for all we know. Or "stupidest alien around" we don't know Krypton language. Is Krypton even real? Is he even bulletproof? Those videos could be edited, you wouldn't know if they were. He's got everyone fooled. His hair looks like he uses semen instead of hair gel. Dick.
Anyway, my favorite song is now "The Kill" by Thirty Seconds to Mars. Here's my favorite line, "I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside". I like to listen to it while eating the party platter from Chili's. Now I cry for 5 minutes and 12 seconds after eating them, it was 8 minutes and 37 seconds 2 weeks ago, progress is an important part of my life.
I decided that Alfred helping with my pull-ups won't give me the gains I'm looking for. Now I've put a breakfast sandwich from McDonald's on a string and I'll try to get it while doing crunches. No success yet.
Alfred said it's been a month since I've gone outside, and I need to leave otherwise he's gonna hang himself in my batcave. If he does that where else will I violently masturbate for 22 minutes a day? He's got no respect for my space. Whatever, I went outside to catch the scum of Gothams toenails. So far there's only cuticles, I'll update when I find a whole ass nail that needs to be cut.
I don't think I'm ever going outside again. I saw a man running, it was an evil run. I chased him for a hot minute, he went into a dark alleyway. Where I thrive. He had six friends there trying to pass out drugs to further their careers as drug lords. I said and I quote, "Stop! I speak for all of Gotham when I say, this crap doesn't belong on our streets! Hand it over cunt!". They laughed, then spent 14 minutes fat shaming me. I did not have the emotional energy to chase them. I went home after that. The world isn't ready for me, I'm the hero they need. Just not the one they even know exists.
My time will come. I know it will. Gotham will quief at the meager thought of me. I told Alfred that, and he said that was offensive. He's an old prick, what's he know?
So, my parents are dead. I know, it's terrible. Everyone feels bad for me, but I've managed given my extremely difficult circumstances. I think I'm gonna go get a frosty.
It's been a week and I caught a hardened criminal. I found a man in the darkness of the night, remember, that's where I thrive. He was giving little baggies of meth to children, the youth of the nation. How dare he? Parents are supposed to corrupt children, not the grime of Gothams asshole. I climbed my fat ass up a building and planned my great capture. I belly flipped on him from 6 stories. I broke his spine. Victory feels great
Don't forget. I am Batman, and I am speed.
