My diary

Wednesday, july 5 2023

I don't know how to write dates. Ha.
That's my cat in the pic btw. Haha.

I believe it shouldn't be this hard to write a book.

I guess it's not, but I wanted the introduction to sound intriguing. Hahaha. Why ? I don't know.

I do know. And I know that I am not writing this for myself right now. So I'm going to start over. As if no one is going to read it except me.
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My thoughts overwhelm me. Constantly. Or maybe they don't. I shouldn't make things seem like something they're not.

I know the.

Fuck this.

I feel like my thoughts overwhelm me. Is a better way to put it. (According to self bettering gurus).

I feel like I have been overloaded with too much advice & information and I feel like i am going to crack.

When I was maybe eleven or twelve years old I stumbled upon law of attraction or also known as (LOA). And I thought it was going to get everything I wanted really quick. ( it didn't happen).

I started meditating, and I want to believe that I got less angry. Because I was a child with a temper. Especially when it came down to my younger sister.

My mother tries to push the thought that I was jealous of her and that I still am. And I probably was. She was right. I just felt stupid and it felt like that was a word used for describing stupid people.

I didn't want to be stupid. But as a 5-11 year old how did grown ups expect me to react.

It was like there was no right answer. I couldn't be angry and at the same time I had to "feel" my feelings in order to let them go. For the love of god decide. Because as a 5-11 year old I probably didn't know what was best. And still you let me decide. Wth.

I never felt like my feelings were acknowledged and valued. Like my feelings were only burdens that made my mother angrier. And so I guess that's how I felt neglected as a child.

My mother.
She was also a person with a grave temper and she threw it all out on us. Mostly me because I was the oldest.

I'm not going to justify her actions, because they were horrible, but one thing she taught me was to not take anything personally. But I only took that seriously about 2 years ago, and mostly when it comes to her. I never take anything she does that's considered " mean" or "neglecting" seriously anymore.

But I cannot blame my mother either, she had been married to an abusive son of a bitch. He convinced my mother to move to Venezuela and then get married. She did and brought a 5-year old and a 3-year old with her.  And my Father stayed in England.

My mother had bought a house there in Venezuela, it was beautiful, and my most precious memories come from there. Even though I was a small child, I remember quite a lot.

Ok back the story. She got physically abused and mentally abused by him. So she divorced him. But was stuck in the country I guess.

I would say that my mother got mostly angry at herself, understandably so. But she took that anger out on my sister and I which sometimes was physical, yes. And which is a very spirit killing thing to do to a child.

At this point, I feel like I am pitying myself, as if I have gone through so much. And my mind tells me that I don't deserve to feel that way. But in reality, that was a horrible time for me. Obviously there were good times during that period but it is still something I have to acknowledge and accept. Not neglect my own feelings.

She eventually found someone very gentle and kind, but not gonna lie, he had his own children and old family.

Then we moved to her home country Sweden. And left her boyfriend. But it was needed.

We moved due to complications in the country, I can't say much more. But it's what worked out in the end. She became kinder, more present and started working on herself. And as I got older her self improved version started helping me a bit too.

I'm not going to justify my mothers actions, because they were horrible, but she taught me to never take anything personally. Which I only took seriously about 2 years ago, and mostly when it comes to her. I never take anything she does that's considered " mean" or "neglecting" seriously anymore. But other people, just maybe.

Even though I was "maltreated" as a child. It did not make me hate my mother, sure i had a lot of tantrums and anger issues in which I called her horrible names and sometimes even told her I hated her, because I knew how she would react. I just wanted her to feel how I felt for so many years. I will never justify my past actions, they were horrible, but still only a cry for help.

My mother had been a victim but a hypocrite as well. At the same time my mother was all those things she was also a wise person. She has taught me many things. Or better said, planted seeds in me that made me want to grow. They may have not been intentionally planted but they grew either way.

Things like: "always do your best in everything and you will never be disappointed" corny yes but also effective. It was more of SHE wouldn't be disappointed, because she knew how I searched for her approval a lot because I wanted her to be proud of me. And not see me as some demon child with horrible anger issues.

I have to give myself some credit because, I understood what she said. I absorbed her words like a sponge and then later on added them to my life how I saw fit. What she taught me had both positive and negative effects on my life. It made me very independent at a very young age. I can proudly say that I could have lived by myself at the age of twelve. But the negative is that it made me grow up very fast. I became very mature very young, which I have to repay by being more childish and doing the childish things now instead of when I actually was a child.

I actually don't mind being a little bit more childish and free now. Because it makes me focus more on the present and it makes me a bit more empathetic to small children when they do all sorts of random things.

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Hello, to whoever may read this. It may as well be no one. But either way, this will be an outlet for my feelings and thoughts.

I am here to be kind to myself and to stop taking peoples shit.

This is my therapy. Which is also barely edited.

If you have something to say, please do. I don't want to hinder you from speaking your mind. But if you know that what you are saying isn't very kind, even though nobody may take offence, please think about yourself.

Could you be doing something else other than wasting your time writing mean things that nobody cares about anyway?  Or waste your time for all I care. But I will be removed anyway.

Please just don't waste your time. :)
Xx //A.A