is there always good in goodbye? - verkwan

out of time

Today comes the last day of our trip to New York City. The time has come to bid this lovely city farewell, and our plane leaves in a few hours. That gives me enough to call Vance and ask him to meet me at the nearby convenience store.

I look up his phone number in my contacts, but I'm hesitant to call him. I wouldn't know how to feel, or act. And I don't want to know. I exit the phone and instead text him. Within a blink of an eye, he responds to my message.

Sure, Vi. I'll run a little late today though. Running errands with Dad. He says in response to my text. It's okay, I'll see you. Call me when you get here, 'kay? I reply back. He only reads my text message and never replies. I guess he really is busy.

We've been at the airport since after my last text message with Vance. He wasn't going to make it, which saddens me, but I know he was helping his father with his errands.

I sat and wandered into space, thinking how unlikely it was that Vance wasn't going to show up on my last day in his city. Because Vance swore he would, but now he's running out of time and won't be able to say goodbye properly. I was going to thank him for so many things, apologize for some of them, and so on. There have been countless unsaid words that will remain unheard. I will never see Vance again.

I'd never believed in love at first sight, but I was starstruck the moment I saw Vance. Not because he was particularly attractive. But Vance was different; he was diligent, enthusiastic, and whatever else you could think of. There are no words in the English language to describe how enchanting meeting this man was. 

I recall my sisters pointing out a famous restaurant from across the street during our first week in New York. I recall running into someone and apologizing for my carelessness. I would look up in awe to see a man who was so amazing that I would not have known that I was blushing and embarrassed to be bumping into him. He'd then ask if we were tourists, which we confirmed. He offers to assist us to find out more about New York, and we agree. 

Picture after picture, and it's true. New York is truly amazing. It made me experience some of my firsts, like, genuinely liking someone. 

"Honey?" Mom's silvery voice bounces into my ear. She rests her hand on my back and gently rubbing it, I am jolted back into reality. "What's wrong?" She gives me a worried expression. I tell her about Vance, and she makes an effort to reassure me, but I'm still completely empty. I don't need her to tell me it's okay, and Vance was probably busy. Because I am aware of this. I know he's doing things, but why couldn't he make a little time for me? Call me, text me, or leave a voicemail?

Incidentally, my phone rings, and it's Vance. I'm afraid about picking up again, and it bothers me that he only called now. "Hey, V," I answer anyhow.

"Hey, Vi!" Vance's sweet voice rings out over the phone, and he looked pleased to hear from me.

"What took you so long?" 

"I'm on my way to the airport. I just sent dad home,"

"And you couldn't call earlier to tell me?" I sound a little agitated. I never meant to make it apparent to Vance but my emotions gotten out of control

"Sevi. I did say I was gonna be running late, correct?"

"5 minutes late, you told me. Do you not know how to read a clock, Vance? 5 minutes is 2 hours to you now?" Shit. Vance has really irritated me. But I shouldn't have been because I told myself—and him—that I understood his situation.

"Sevi, calm down, okay? I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise. I was driving my dad so I was behind wheels all this time. You know it's against the law to use the phone when you're driving, right?"

The airport's intercom announces that our flight is about to board, Vance had slipped my mind, and I'm now focusing on my belongings, checking to see if I've left anything behind.

"Sevi?" My name is being mentioned repeatedly, and I can hear it from a distance. I look around to see if anyone was looking in my direction. And here I thought I'd already hung up on Vance.

I bring up my phone to my ear, "Vance! I'm sorry, I thought I hung up on you. We're boarding now, Vance. Talk to ya once we get to Korea."

"Sevi, wait! Look to your left." Vance commands, and I'm a little confused at first, but I look in the direction and see him in the distance, waving his hand while the other is held up to his ear.

I hurriedly dropped my bag and rushed over to him, saying, "Vance...?" I leap on him and give him the warmest hug I can muster. All that matters to me right now is that Vance is here and I'm encircled in his arms; I would have cared less if I was running late to catch my flight. Tears well up in my eyes; I never want to let go of Vance. I pull away from the hug, still teary-eyed.

 He wipes them away, "Vi, don't cry. I'm here now, right?" He says this while looking down at me and cupping my cheek with his hand. "But, Vance..." I struggle to speak, feeling a lump in my throat, as tears form and flow down my cheeks yet again. "I'll never see you again."

"What do you mean?" Vance stares at me, puzzled. There was no other way for me to return to New York --- well, maybe in the future, but the future is still a long way off --- and this is the last moment together.

I sniff, more and more tears falling down. "Sevi, look at me." He presses his thumb against my cheeks, wiping away the tears. He raises my head, forcing me to look up at him. "Someday, we'll see each other again. You jump into conclusions too quickly, Vi. You never know, maybe in years I'd be the one to come to Korea." He chuckles, and I could only sulk.

"You never know, maybe by then we wouldn't be friends." I mumble. It's now, or never. We really never know, Vance. I could never be able to see you again. "What do you mean 'we wouldn't be friends by then', Sevi? I promised we'd be friends, forever. No matter the circumstance. Remember?"

"Here you are again with your stupid false promises, Vance." I roll my eyes at him. I try to avoid the W question, I'm still hesitant, I don't want to know what he says or how he's going to react.

"What do you mean, Sevi?" He repeats his question again, and this time he's genuinely concerned.

"I like you, Vance" I mumble, and it's a relief that he wasn't able to hear that clearly. I'm frightened, I'm afraid of rejection. He's a friend, for God's sake, I don't want to lose him.

"What?"

"What?" Making an act of disarray, I say. The three words I just said are the most frightful of my life, and I fully realize it.

It took me a long period of eye contact and a moment of silence for me to realize that my mumbling could be heard. I looked at Vance, who had a shocked but confused expression on his face. I knew this was going to be his reaction, and I don't like it. I excuse myself and depart for my "flight". It was an excuse to not know his response. But at this point, the rejection was crystal clear.

"Vance, I gotta go now, see ya again someday!" I rush back to my family, who were now at the front of the line, and hand them their boarding passes just as I did mine. I return my gaze to Vance, who stands there looking dazed. I'm sorry, Vance. I said exactly what needed to be said.

I couldn't even bring myself to wave goodbye to him; it hurts my heart now. It bothers me. I know it hurts Vance as well.