Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 6: The Final Talk

We walk a few miles in silence before I stop him along a creek and say, "Daryl, we should rest."

I don't know where we're going but I know I want to be with him. He nods, heading over to a tree and lowering his bow, "I'll take first watch" is all he says as he lowers himself down to rest against the tree. Although things are strained with us right now, he opens his legs for me to lay into. I cuddle up against his body and once my heart rate slows, I begin to cry again, letting myself mourn this loss.

Daryl doesn't move much while I cry, eventually crying myself to sleep. When I wake up a few hours later, Daryl is twisting the ends of my hair while staring off at the sky. I just stare at his face for a few moments, missing the closeness we used to have. His freckle tight by his lip, the hair from his beard growing in patches of grey. Eventually I move just a little and it brings his attention back on me. When our eyes meet, I whisper, "your turn." And he nods, adjusting to stand as I move off of him. I take his spot against the tree, expecting him to use me to get comfortable but instead he walks over to a log, "Daryl?" I call out softly to him, "can we just pretend we're okay? Just tonight?"

He nods once and comes back over, coming back down to the tree and grabbing a hold of my hand. He rests his head on my shoulder and after a few quiet moments, he falls asleep. Daryl and I stay out in the woods for weeks. We hunt for our food, sleep on the ground and search the area for any sign of Rick. It has been maybe 6 weeks into the search that I finally have to bring it up, "what are we doing out here?"

"We're looking for Rick." He gives me a side eye, knowing I know what we're doing.

I explain further what I mean, gesturing between the two of us, "no, we as in us. We barely say 15 words to each other a day. We spend 24 hours together yet we don't talk at all when there is so much we could talk about."

"What do yew wanna talk about Sadie-Mae? Huh? You wanna talk about our baby girl?" He starts off harsh, my stomach dropping, "or how about the sanctuary and all that went down there?" He steps one step closer, "or maybe we can talk about your buddy, Negan. Is that what you want to talk about."

Although I'm hurt he's lashing out on me, I know he's just upset about Rick. I take a deep breath and say, "any of those. We can talk about any of those." Daryl makes a pfft sound and begins to walk off again. But I call back out to him, "we used to be able to talk about anything. What happened? Why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't hate you" he retorts quickly.

"Well doesn't seem like you love me much anymore." I confide, just wanting the truth out of him.

He takes a heavy breath and steps a few steps closer, "you wanna talk? Fine." He throws his bow down, "I'm still mad you didn't come to me when you started cuttin' back then. I'm still heartbroken that the one person who knew more about my wife" his accent heavy on those last two words, "was him! I'm angry you keep up some kind of friendship with that asshole after all he did."

"Daryl, don't you see how hard it is for me to talk to you about anything anymore? You are so guarded now. Even before the farm, when I first met you in the city, you weren't even this guarded!" I step closer to him, putting my hands on his chest, "look where you are, will ya?" I look around us for emphasis, "you got outta that closet, Daryl. You don't have to be so restrained anymore, you can let me back in."

"So yew can go and break my heart again? I can't do that." He grabs my hands and moves them off his chest, "I'm sorry."

"So why am I still here?" I ask, a bit surprised I'm not crying at his words.

He says, "I was hoping being out here could fix us. Sadie, I do want to fix us, I just don't know how."

"Well I agree with you there, this isn't it." I take a step back and take a big breath in while thinking. After a few moments of silence, I say to him, "I think it's time I head back to Alexandria. They uhh, ya, it's time for me to go home."

"Ya, I think yer right." He agrees, rubbing the back of his neck while looking down at my shoes, "I'll walk ya back."

"Just get me where I'm familiar, I can make it from there." I decline the full escort back. It'll be another day or 2 before we're back in familiar territory and another day from there before I get back to Alexandria I estimate. I may be able to stop the tears from coming now, but I know that won't last too long. The next night, we make it to one of the signs we put up for our routes between communities. I know the route from here and it's time for Daryl and I to part ways, "I hope you find what you're looking for, Dixon." I say, hoping he'll let me hug him before I leave.

"I'll let you know if I find it." He says back, taking the time to lean forward to give me the hug I was hoping for. As we pull away, Daryl moves to plant one small soft and brief kiss on my lips and whispers, "I do love you Sadie-Mae. I'll never stop."

I rub one finger to my lip and answer him back, "I love you, Daryl."

I step back and turn away to head home, but stop when I hear Daryl call my name, "hey, Sadie-Mae." I turn my head, "take care of yourself."

He smirks and I reply, "you too, don't be a stranger, yah?"

He smirks and nods back "I'll find yew" before turning from me to head back out on his search. Although we didn't leave our relationship on good terms, it seems we left our friendship in decent condition.