A feeling of despondency washed over me. It wasn't crystal clear at first, but after a while I felt it. A hundred words. A hundred words can not explain the loneliness that I was feeling. Loneliness, I thought. It tortures everyone- especially me. Somehow, loneliness is always walking behind me.
I gripped onto the straps of my old rusty backpack a little bit tighter as I gaped around the habitual hallway. It was uncomfortably loud today, considering the fact that it was the first day of school after summer break. As I observe, I noticed the freshmen panicking about obtaining their schedule, seniors with their group of friends conversating about quote-on-quote, "the last best year of high school."
"Wouldn't it be nice to have a great group of friends where you could go on adventures together?" I thought to myself. I realized that I wouldn't be experiencing 'my greatest hits.' It was my last year of school, and I'm alone.
I caught a glimpse of my only friend with her friends - my acquaintances. Fearing the thought of having to talk, I immediately pulled my black hood up and vigorously walked pass them with my head held low to my first class.
Pulling the heavy door open, I was introduced to the empty classroom- or so I thought. In front of the classroom, there stood my english teacher for the year, Mr.Matthews.
"Good Morning, I'm assuming you're Jay Maverick?" Mr. Matthew asked.
I gave him a small smile, "the one and only."
"Jay maverick," he repeated. "Sorta like the surfer huh?"
I chuckled, "y-yeah, sorta like the surfer."
In was now standing in front of his desk, towering over him as he was sitting down. He was a very young and handsome teacher, heard he was new. I might be the quiet unknown girl here, but I hear the things teenagers these todays talk about. He was probably around his mid 20's, nice hair, brown eyes. But besides that, in a low volume he leaned forward, interlocked his fingers and said, " I know you've been through a lot, and hey I get it life fucks you up sometimes, but hey, go easy on yourself. I'm not one of those bullshit teachers, you know ?" I smiled, "thanks mr. Matthews, I appreciate it."
He smiled and nodded, "no worries kid."
without knowing what to response I gave him one last nod and headed to the farthest back corner of the room near the window and took my seat.
All these familiar faces filled into the classroom taking their seats and talking amongst each other and I just stared into empty spaces. I was lost in thought. It was one of those terrifying and realistic moments where everything in the time frame slows down, only hearing faint whispers of conversations. The tardy rang, a little too loud for my liking, snapping me out of my hazing thoughts.
Oh god I need a smoke, I thought.
Mr. Matthews introduced himself to class, and had talked about the class a bit. His sarcasm and humor earned a few laughs from the students. And maybe a chuckle from me here and there. Something tells me I wouldn't mind this class as much. The classroom phone rang interrupting Mr.Matthews as he picked it up. He stole a glance at me in the middle of call, and hung up shortly after that. I knew the drill.
"Jay, the dean's office" Mr. Matthews informed nodded his head towards the door. dean's office? The dean never end called anyone unless they are in trouble. I exhaled a small breath, as I weakly gathered my things getting up from my seat. I walked past Mr. Matthews with a small smile and exited out the door.
Entering the dean's office, an unexpected present was there. My counselor and the dean both had smiles on their faces. As they welcomed me I sat myself down. Their odd positive vibe left me puzzled. Usually whenever I see my counselor, the room was filled with thick sadness, but never happiness. They shared the so called exciting news to me, that I was allowed to graduate early. They said with all the extra classes I've been taking, and the excellent grades, I was finally allowed to leave. I reflects on my emotions rather if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
Essentially, I always have hated high school. I was only here to pass my classes not learn. then I could just get the fuck out. However, the only reason why I actually did my work! was because I put my sadness and anger and frustration into school work than actually facing reality. In my opinion that was a whole lot better listening to the voices in my head conversize all the goddamn time.
I told them, I'll think about it and not to inform my parents about it yet. I exited the dean's office without another word. I found myself wandering the hallway, leading myself to the back of the school in which appears to be an alleyway. I leaned back against the wall, taking out a cigarette.
I flashed back to the information that I could get out of high school, and deep down I knew I could do something with my life. Maybe this is a start. Perhaps I could leave, like I always wanted to. I had a mental debate with myself the rest of the day, and I still was flustered with- everything.
