Hardenshipping

"I WILL GET A FISHING BOAT AND FUCKIN SAIL TO ENGLAND" I type to Maxie, the hot nerd. I jump a boat and kill the fishermen and sail to the Great Britain. It fuckin raining.

A new message pops up. "I HOPE THE KRAKEN DOESN'T EAT YOU FUHAHA!" Oh no.

A foot before I reach Maxie's mansion (on the boat) the sky suddenly turns dark. Bright, scorching lightning flashes. The water is black and frothy and churning. I am so, so deathly afraid. My body shakes uncontrollably. The water turns even blacker, if that is possible and becomes a black hole. A shadow comes out of the hole, followed by...a betta fish. I stare at it as it flops around and squeaks out little fish noises, "weeweeweeweeweewee" I scowl and crush it with my big buff bara mom fists. The handsome tiger stripes on my skin (mrrrrow) burn crimson and blast into flames. "IT'S OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!" I scream in my sexy bara mom voice. The kraken fish falls to the ground, suffocated. "RIP in godamn pieces, fish kraken," I whisper as the cold and broken Luigi song plays at its funeral as I am teleported there.

"BRING ME TO LIIIIIIIFE" sings the dead fish kraken. Maxie is crying lava tears. Happy Peridot suddenly jumps out of the grave. "aesthetic" she exclaims in her whiny high techno voice. We all bow down to the queen of Mountain Dew and green Doritos. Happy Peridot, queen of Mountain Dew and green Doritos, leans over the ground and says to the dead fish kraken "do you live like Snarry (snail Larry)?"

Suddenly Lapis swoops in. Drops from her water wings drop into the grave and revive the fish kraken, its Evanescence dream come true. Happy Peridot drops to one knee and declares "oh my sweet Lapis Lazuli. So mysterious. You are the ocean itself; so kind and clear and gentle, but dark and furious and rough at the same time. My love for you is renewable: never ending just like the ocean's energy. Will you please marry me" she brings out a huge ring. "lol no you were one of my abusers and trapped me" Lapis spits, her saliva flying into the grave and heals the fish kraken completely before flapping her big wings made of H2O and flying back to Homeworld. Happy Peridot does not react, only grins even more.

Fish kraken jumps out of grave and flops around. "yeah I live like Snarry (snail Larry)" it says in a deep awesome bara voice. Actually scratch that, only someone special is supposed to have a deep awesome bara voice.

Suddenly thousands of fish come out of the sea. Wave after wave (haha puns.) of fish come out. They start singing Hakuna Matata. Plot twist: the fish kraken is Archie and the thousands of fish are Team Aqua. A fish comes forward and starts singing The Best Time to Wear a Striped Sweater is All the Time. It's boobs jiggle to the singing. It's Shelly. Maxie gets a bucket and collects his lava tears and throws the bucket at the fish. And by bucket I mean a crane holding an aqueduct, which is ironic since it is holding lava. The lava burns the fish to a crisp. Maxie smiles evilly. Plot twist twist: Happy Peridot killed the fish out of rage of rejection. Happy Peridot is to blame.

Archie is not dead, surprisingly. He sweeps Maxie off of his feet (Archie is still a fish kraken) and jumps onto a Camerupt/Sharpedo hybrid love child. And it's a shiny. They ride off into the sunset with a "just married" sign taped to the hybrid love child's butt. Heavy metal mixed with airhorns, bagpipes, and majestic whale noises play from an unseen radio as the wedding theme.

He scream at ass possum appears, his ass as big as ever. ":v" he says.

I defuse, Morgan and Cheeto puffs too excited. They start having rlly hot sex. I love being their fusion.

-Jasper (the big buff Cheeto puff bara mom)

Special thanks to Maxiematsubusa for helping me. What a fckin hot nerd dad. Bang buddy.