The road to you

Chapter 1

"Why is he mad at you now?"
I look at Daniela with a face of complete defeat. I feel like the last eleven months with Juan have been the best yet worst of my life. He was my first kiss. The first guy I ever went on a date with. I thought it was a love that was going to last a lifetime but the fire burned too hot too fast.
"I don't even know. You know how he is. Everything is a test. Now he's going to get even more mad because I don't know why he's mad in the first place."
When I pictured my first love I imagined something so effortless that everyone would envy me. I pictured this Taylor Swift "Love story" kind of love but I actually got the Katy Perry "Hot n Cold" version of a high school romance. Juan was everything I thought I wanted. President of the Pre-med club, smart, Hispanic, funny, had a V-line, had an accepting family. Once I scratched that ideal surface I realized behind all of that lay a very insecure boy. A boy that needed to maintain control in order to be happy. A boy that needed to put people down in order to fulfill his falsely constructed superiority.
"Why are you even still with him Panky?" says Daniela
Daniela has called me "Panky" for as long as I could remember. She started calling me that when we were four years old and it stuck all these years after. We've been friends since we were born. She's the closest thing I have to a sister and I didn't know how to answer her question. I want to say that I'm in love with him but I'm too self-aware to know that this isn't love. I love him but I'm not in love with him. After all that he has put me through I can't imagine what's to come. It's been eleven months. What does he have in store for me a year from now, five years, fifteen years...
"He loves me. I love him. When he's good we work so well." I say
"Just talk to him. Ask him what he's feeling and remind him you guys aren't enemies" She says
I stay silent
"You deserve to be loved, Michael. Love isn't a game" she responds to my silence
She didn't know that the main reason I wanted me and Juan to be Endgame so badly was because of what it meant to be a member of my sexuality. I'm a gay man living in Miami. Being gay here isn't easy. Gay men here aren't into relationships. The only thing they want is to win the race of who has a higher body count. It's so rare to find someone that wants to settle down and be committed. In the world of Tinder and Grindr, no gay man wants to be limited to one sexual partner. These apps have made it too easy. Sex for gay men in Miami is like going through the drive-thru at McDonald's. You can cum before they ask you "Would you like cheese on that?"
"Im gonna talk to him tomorrow before the AP Gov exam starts. Dale dude I'm gonna go home. I need to knock out early for tomorrow." I said to her
"Dale good luck tomorrow. Call me when you get out of school. I need to hear what he says this time." Daniela says
We gave each other a big hug and she got out of my car and walked into her house. We always talk in the car. It's where inspiration strikes best for us. We'd been parked in her driveway for two hours and time flew. If only time always felt that way, the next fifteen hours until I saw Juan wouldn't be the longest of my life. Between the anxiety from the exam and imagining what his mood was going to be in the morning, I was dreading going to school.
"Fuck" I say to myself out loud.
I decided to not think about it and turn on Golden Hour by Kacey Musgraves. Her music was my therapy and I needed so much of it right now. As my therapy ended when I got home, all I could think about was getting into bed and waiting for the day to come.

When Juan's name popped up on my phone my heart sunk into my stomach. I spent the night texting him and this is what he answers. I bombarded him with texts asking what I did, telling him how much I love him, showing him how much I don't want to lose him and this is what I get. It makes me feel like I'm a possession of his, not his equal. He knows how much stress I have. We're starting college soon and we're going to have to start doing long distance. Im staying here in Miami and he's going to Pennsylvania. How are we going to make this work? We live three miles from each other and we can barely find a way to communicate. How is it going to be when there are 1100 miles between us?

He leaves me on read
    I pull into the student parking lot and find a spot near Juan. As I shift my car in park I see her car parked a few spots away from mine, Elda's. She's Juans best friend. Since day one of my relationship with Juan her and I have always had issues. I've known of her for years. People always said she was a stone-cold bitch but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then I met her and boy was everyone right. She undermined everything I said. She made me feel like I came second in Juan's life. In her eyes Juan was single and I was just someone Juan had sex with for fun. I was an irrelevant side character to her and she was the main character in everyone's life. I got out of my car and noticed Juan was sitting in her backseat. The front seat was occupied by her backpack and lunch box. Something about Elda, she's either the one to offer to move her stuff so you can sit in the front or you're getting in the back seat, no questions asked. The comfort of her belongings is more important than that of any of her friends. Her excuse is "It's Michael Kors"
    Should I go find my friends or should I go say hi to my boyfriend? A daily struggle when he would be in her car before class started. I decided to go say hi to him and went up to the rear passenger side door and opened it. Let's see how this goes
"Hey guys, what's up?"
I bend over the center console and give Elda a kiss on the cheek. Elda is the definition of a Miami pretty girl. Pin-straight black hair, a butt big enough for people to question if she has gotten a BBL, and porn star tits that coined the term social distancing.
    I try to give Juan a kiss on the lips but he rejects me and turns his face. My lips land on his beard. Elda Laughs and says
"We're doing good, as you can see"
They were laughing when I opened the door. The moment I sat down the car went silent. You could hear the engine running. It was embarrassing. I should've just gone to see Francesca and avoided this.
"Well, that's great for you guys. I'm going to Francesca's car for a little bit. See you guys later" I said
"You're leaving?" Juan said as he
"Yeah, I don't want to intrude" I reply
"You see Elda. This is what I have to deal with" Juan says looking toward the driver's seat
"Bye Juan" I say as I get out of the car
I start walking towards Francesca's car and it takes everything in me to not cry. Why couldn't I stand up for myself? Becoming accustomed to his bitchiness has been my biggest regret for the last few months. I should've put a stop to it from the start.
As I'm squeezing between the cars to get to Francesca's passenger door I walk into an opening door. I look down through the window and see Adam's face. I take a step back to give him room to get out as I try to compose myself from the situation I just extracted myself from.
"My bad dude, I didn't see you there," he said
He gets out and stands in front of me
    "It's fine Adam, don't worry about it" I reply
    It's always been awkward between us for some reason. We've known each other since middle school and have never been able to develop more than a surface-level friendship. He's decently attractive, around 5'10, with tan skin, dark brown hair that somehow looks blonde in the sunlight, the brightest most infectious smile, dimples, super smart, and comes from a good family. Describing him is how I would exactly describe myself. We have so much in common but for some reason, we've never had a conversation that surpassed common pleasantries. After two minutes of looking at each other very awkwardly, I hear Elda's voice
"Adam lets go we have to see the CAP advisor before we go to homeroom"
    Did I mention Elda and Adam have been close friends since middle school? Maybe that's why he doesn't talk to me. Elda's poison got to Adam too. I turn around and see Juan and Elda standing there. Elda gives me the up and down and looks over to Adam. Juan on the other hand is staring at me with red in his eyes. I decide to walk away and get out of this encounter and rush to Francesca's car. I hear Elda ask Adam "What did he want from you?" As I walked away.
I opened Francesca's passenger door and got in before I heard Adam's response. Francesca was a short freckly brunette that became my friend from one day to the next. We met in the stock room on my first day working at the mall. After a brief conversation we realized we went to the same high school and the rest was history. Something about our high school, it is the largest in the southeast of the country. It's bigger than most community colleges. I'm a senior and I still meet new people that I haven't met in my four years here every day.
"Bitch what the fuck did I just witness in my rearview?" Comes out of Francesca's mouth.
"Bitch I don't even know but Juan is going to be so mad"
    As the words come out of my mouth my phone vibrates. I look down and it's as if I spoke the message into existence.

I show Francesca my phone and she just sighs.
"We have to go before the bell rings. We can't be late today" I tell her
We get out of the car and start walking to our homeroom. I see Juan in the distance walking with Elda and Adam. He looks so happy talking to them. If only I had the same effect on him.