a funny little thing

=)

Heres a funny little thing about grief you can mourn something or someone even if they aren't dead! And you can mourn something that isn't a human! I miss my cat and hes not dead he wasn't even our cat to begin with! How silly is that? He was a stray that we let into our house and he was so well behaved he was adopted though, thing is we've had him for 3 years at the time, its been around 1 year and i still fucking cry im fucking crying while im writing this ive had a cat before 3 to be exact but not one have i cried and missed this much i loved him and i will never know when he dies i will never see him again he will never run up to me he will never sit im my lap or cuddle with me in my bed he'll never scratch at the door and i know i have a dog but thats not the same it will never be the same. My dog doesn't look the same my dog doesn't cuddle up with me she doesn't sound or feel the same and its sad but ill never love her the same and that destroys me i want a cat when i move out but i know it will never fill that same hole in my heart and quite frankly i dont think i can take care of a pet ever again and this is stupid and dumb that i feel this much pain from a god damn cat but holy hell does it hurt it just felt like we got each other and he just knew when i was sad he helped me so much and asked for nothing in return and i want to fucking scream im not crying im fucking ugly crying im sobbing for a CAT and i will never be able to see him i will never be able to bury him i will never be able to say goodbye hes gone to me hes already dead to me hes gone for good and i didn't say goodbye for fucks sake i have ONE picture of him and i want to be angry at the people who adopted him (our neighbor) because they gave him to someone else and who knows where he is now i want to be angry but i cant because my moms probably right hes probably happy but holy god i haven't felt grief like this before ive been shoving this down for a year or 2 and is hurt like a fresh stab wound i could say more but there isn't enough words in the English language to describe my pain everyone tells me to just get over it but how can i? Maybe one day I'll forgive myself for not saying goodbye.

(Halfway through it just turned into a rant god i needed that)