Once Upon a Hospital Visit

In Summary of Recent Years, Medically

Halloween, 2013

I was dressed up as a cut-rate Queen of Hearts, from Alice in Wonderland. Despite wanting my friend, Jae, to go as Alice, it was no use- she was in a grunge phase and wore a creepy mask with her favorite hoodie instead. I'm pretty sure she went as Alice the next Halloween, actually, but that's not the point.

We did a lot of walking- Jae, Rin and I. We drove around the rich neighborhoods with mansions and small parking lots with tables set up with candy, soda and juice for trick-or-treaters. I tried going to that parking lot later the night, after going a few hours prior, but they have photographic memory or something stupid like that. I only had one soda, so that sucked. It was a fun night though- Rin, Jae and I couldn't stop laughing at whatever nonsense escaped our lips. Prior to that night, my left hip only hurt when I walked for long periods of time, but I still remember waking up the next morning feeling like utter shit. I limped from short distances of my room to the kitchen, but the pain was the only thing I could focus on. My mother brought me to the emergency room of the children's hospital on November 2nd.

I can't walk into hospitals without smelling morphine, now. Every two hours of sleeping, when I woke up in pain- morphine. I distinctly remember the strange feeling that overtook my limbs when they put the medicine in my bloodstream through my IV- it felt like there was physically a barrier of air all around me that made everything heavier and shouldered every miniscule burden I felt. I hated it.

It's odd to think that I hated the only medicine that brought my pain from a 9 down to a 5, but I hated not being able to think clearly. I wanted to form my own thoughts, to break down what was going through my mind- yet, I never could. Everything was in the moment. Everything I uttered was without thought process or comprehension. I remember everything I said and did, I just didn't remember why I said the vast majority of it.

There was so much testing. If you can think of the test, I had it done. Doctors were worried I had a bone infection or something, but none of that was the case. After four days of testing and waiting, they saw nothing wrong with me. No doctor could explain why my hip was hurting. Although, I take it back, the one test they didn't do was an MRI. Guess what was the only test that showed the cyst in my left hip joint, below a cluster of nerves?

Anyways, it took them a really long time to get me to the point of getting an MRI- so, they gave me painkillers. Switching out some for another on occasion, and I knew it was messing me up. I couldn't concentrate in school and I slept for what felt like 10x more than usual. Everything felt like the miniscule problem on a tiny planet in a tiny galaxy that it actually is. Everything was so easily done with minimal effort, and I lived like that for a long time- until the surgery to remove that cyst I mentioned earlier took place, on the 10th of January, 2014.

I distinctly remember before my operation. I had to wait in the waiting room outside of the whatever surgery rooms were down the hallways in a shared room of other people. Everyone was separated by curtains, and I was so nervous. It was absolutely ridiculous- I swear my heart rate must have been ridiculous. They gave me a pill to help me be sedated or something, and I didn't think it was working. Probably ten or so minutes later, I remember this woman asking me what flavor mask I wanted, and I said bubblegum. I do not remember anything after that. I actually even more distinctly remember waking up with the mask on me next to a woman with a chart and freaking out over how much my hip hurt and being extremely confused over where I was, since I only last remembered being in the waiting room. She must've given me medicine or something, because I remember falling asleep again after that.

Those stitches caused so much utter bullshit for me. They were supposed to be dissolving, but I remember walking around in the hallway of school some time after my surgery and covering my mouth while a look of terror and tremendous pain overtook my expression. Luckily, my friend from swimteam, Kristine, saw me and decided to be responsible via helping me to the nurses office (while yelling at everyone in our path to move for me). It was just one of the stitches that came out, resulting in other stitches being dragged and pulled through my skin.

I was essentially a-okay until the last summer- summer of 2014. My back started hurting, and my left hip was hurting again. Through ridiculous amounts of medicine and utter bullshit, I made it to this- June 7th, 2015- where I'm still on meds that are supposed to make everything be alright.