You're probably thinking that this was some big, emotional experience for me. After all, I'd just put on a diaper for the first time in years. This could be the exact moment that kindled my interest in them.
But the truth is, I barely remember putting it on. The girls and I hung our swimsuits and towels outside to dry, then we had a snack, watched some cartoons, and went to bed.
Sure, I felt a little different wearing a pull-up. It crinkled slightly as I walked, the leak guards rubbed against my legs, and I felt the bulge of the padding in certain positions. But for the most part, I was too distracted by other things.
Even my embarrassment quickly faded to the back of my mind. Britney and Kaylee were wearing the same thing as me, and peer pressure is a funny thing. Normally, I'd be embarrassed to be wearing a pull-up around kids my own age. But here, with my friends, it was almost the exact opposite. I would actually feel more awkward if I was the only girl wearing underwear to bed.
I think that says a lot about pull-ups and diapers. They're much more than just the materials and padding, or the freedom to wet yourself when you want. They're about our experiences and interactions with other people. Britney and Kaylee were so carefree that night, just being kids, and that feeling was contagious.
I was an only child, and this role came with unspoken pressures to act mature around my parents. But this... this felt like stepping into an enchanted fantasy world. The pull-ups were a symbol of my friends' carefree nature, and I liked that feeling, too.
Britney had a queen-sized bed, and we all piled into it that night. Kaylee technically had her own room, but she didn't want to be left out. Britney seemed slightly annoyed by this, but I couldn't blame Kaylee. At that age, few things in the world feel worse than being excluded.
Needless to say, we all had trouble getting to sleep that night, and not just from the excitement of our first sleepover. It was also the middle of the summer, and the heat was unbearable at times. The house technically had air conditioning, but it never seemed to work properly. Even with the cold air blasting from the vents, it must have been at least eighty degrees on the second floor. It certainly didn't help to have all three of us piled together under the covers.
We eventually did fall asleep, though, and I woke sometime early in the morning, before the sun had even risen. Britney and Kaylee slept on either side of me; Kaylee was on her stomach, with her torso half-sprawled on top of me. Britney faced away from me, with her leg stretched out toward my side of the bed. The room was dark but for the nightlight near the door, and I could just barely make out their blonde hair.
The first thing I did was check my pull-up to see if it was still dry.
I know. Weird, right? For some reason, my eight-year-old brain thought that wearing a pull-up would cause me to pee in my sleep. And because of this faulty logic, I was genuinely surprised to find myself still dry.
No sooner had I realized this than I felt an uncomfortable pressure on my bladder. In hindsight, this was probably the exact thing that had woken me up.
I couldn't move without waking my friends. I didn't want to move, either. While the air had been scorching before, the air conditioning had finally caught up, and the room felt like winter beyond the safety of my blankets.
Fortunately, I was wearing a pull-up. I just had to muster up the courage to use it.
I wasn't embarrassed, per se. Britney and Kaylee would probably wake up wet, too. And why would Sandy have given me a pull-up if she didn't expect me to use it?
I wanted to use my pull-up for its intended purpose. I think a part of me had wanted to try it ever since I put it on. Strangely enough, my biggest concern was Sandy finding out and then telling my mom.
"Yep," I could imagine her saying when they talked. "Everything went good yesterday. Taylor woke up with a wet pull-up, but that was no big deal."
"What?" my mom would reply in a shocked tone. "But Taylor doesn't wear pull-ups!"
My cheeks burned just thinking about it.
In Sandy's house, I was just one kid among many. But my own parents had high expectations. Their perfect daughter was too old to wet her bed, and I could imagine their confusion and disappointment.
In all fairness to my parents, these "expectations" existed solely inside my own head. With the clarity of hindsight, I know they saw me as their little girl. But at the time, I didn't think of myself as little. Far from it. A part of me thought I was too old for pull-ups, too. Nevermind the fact that goodnites existed at this time, and those were marketed for teenagers twice my age.
I still thought I was too old for pull-ups, and no one could convince me otherwise. But that's what made them so exciting!
I can't say how long this internal debate went on, but curiosity won out in the end, not to mention the pressure itself. I eventually relaxed my bladder and gave it a gentle push.
But of course, it wasn't that easy.
You know how when you sit on a toilet, the pee just comes out by itself? You don't even have to think about it. It just happens, easy as blinking, or taking a breath.
In this case, my muscles tensed up, and I had to push harder to get the stream going. A small squirt of pee finally came out. But when that happened, I immediately tensed up again. Some part of me thought I was having an accident. I had to stop this madness at once!
Another part of me was marveling at the sensations. I'd never peed laying down before, and I hadn't expected it to tickle so much as it rolled toward the back of my pull-up. I also hadn't expected it to be so darn warm.
Relax, I told myself, keep going.
I gave my bladder another gentle push. The stream came out much stronger this time. I had to strain a few times, but I eventually emptied my whole bladder.
The pull-up itself grew heavy and swelled between my legs. For some reason, I hadn't expected that to happen. I thought the pee would just disappear into the pull-up without any signs. Kind of silly in hindsight. But once again, this was eight-year-old logic at work.
I eventually drifted back asleep, still basking in the warmth of the moment.
