Isla Haraya: Maria (Published under IMMAC)

[High School Diaries]

Trigger warning: May contain sensitive topics such as death, sex, profanity, suicide, self-harm, drugs, alcohol, mental health, sexuality, etc. Please be guided accordingly and read at your own risk.

— ;

14 years old.

Hey, it's me again.

Although, I'm not sure who I'm greeting every time I write here. It's not like anyone reads this diary other than me. I've left it lying around, hoping that nanay or tatay finds it and sees how I feel. Maybe they just thought I'm okay even when I'm not. Or tatay will just think that I'm being a baby, whining again about something so small.

We've fought a lot lately. One of my friends told me that I need to stand up for myself and I tried that but tatay didn't like it and said I was making excuses. I know I wasn't. I was just explaining my side of the story. I just wanted to tell him the real reason I got home late (I had a project to do at a classmate's house) but he thought I was just being a classic teenager, not following my parents.

It's sad and I have all this anger inside me and I don't know what to do with them. I've been crying a lot lately. It's like every time I'm in my room all alone, there are these voices in my head and my heart keeps pounding like crazy. My thoughts go miles, wondering what the hell I'm doing here. It's weird, thinking about things like that but I've been daydreaming about how the world is without me. My parents wouldn't mind. They have kuya. They wouldn't care. My friends have other friends. I don't have anyone who's mine. Just mine.

The world wouldn't stop spinning if I was gone.

Silver draws red, I guess.

I know. I'm 14. What do I know? My problems are petty and childish. Very immature to think about death just because my parents ignore me, my friends forget me sometimes, and I'm alone. It's my fault, right? I'm sad because of me.

Some said choose happiness but how? Where do I choose that option? I tried laughing more, smiling more but deep inside, I know I'm not happy. I feel so alone. I don't have a best friend. I don't have anyone. I used to think that at least I have my family but even my cousins have their own lives that I'm not a part of. I only see their posts online but they barely talk to me now.

I kinda miss elementary days because we hung out every weekend, especially since we all live next to each other. But high school is different and they're nothing like the movies.

I thought I'd have new friends now but I feel like something's wrong with me. People don't seem to like me the way I hoped they would. At least.

There's this one guy in class earlier who paused me from speaking during my report just to ask me "Why are you still alive? Why are you even breathing?" And he said that while the teacher was away and everyone was laughing at me. I wanted to cry but I had to finish my report. I cried in the girls' restroom after. The teacher saw me but I couldn't even tell her that because she might call tatay and I'd have to explain everything. He'd be angry again.

I don't want him to be mad at me again. The cold shoulder treatment and the silent treatment make my heart pound so much and I have cold sweat too. My hands tremble as well.

I know this is bullying but how can I tell him? When he talked to kuya about bullying and fighting back, he mentioned something about how he was never bullied because he's strong. Does that make me weak?

Maybe I am. I don't know if I can be strong like tatay or kuya.

Sometimes I wish I can talk to nanay but she always has tatay's back so she would never take my side on things.

I guess that's that for today.

I hope tomorrow's better.