To be Loved and To be Seen

S I M U L A

I hate how everyone sees me as the second person to be called and not the first. Am I not deserving? I don't know what I should do anymore. Nais ko lang naman makita bilang ako beacause  people tend to tell me what I should do and who I should be. Kaya siguro kahit ako di ko na alam kung sino ako at kung totoong buhay pa sa likod ng maskara. 

Life is full of pages that sometimes give you the story that you dreamed of, but life is too fair to give it to you as easily as pie. I saw how life messed me up like there was no tomorrow. I always wish that one day life will be kind to me without asking what I will give tomorrow. I just wish to be seen and loved by my family, but how can it happen if they treat me like a nobody.

I sighed loudly as I looked at my teacher. She's discussing what we should study for our final test for the school year. I'm really bored. Gusto ko ng umuwi at magpahinga.

"I'm hoping na makakapasa ang lahat. It's easy as pie, and I expect a lot from you guys." Some of my classmates groaned. Grabe naman si ma'am parang ang dali namang mag-sagot ng mga equations na ginawa nya akala ata nya kumakain lang kami ng libro magkavibes talaga sila ni Mama. Charot! "Don't worry, we can meet next year if you want to extend." Lalong nag-ingay ang mga kaklase ko dahil sa biro ni ma'am Avi. Kahit ako hindi ko gugustuhin mag-extend pa ang klase. Sino ba ang gugustuhin ganun ang mangyari? Si Mama lang ata eh. Kahit siguro magkazombie apocalypse hindi nya ako papahintuin sa pagpasok. Charot!

"Sisiguraduhin po naming papasa kaming lahat ma'am! Naniniwala po kami sa power of A. Charot lang po." Sigaw ng isa kong kaklase. Gusto ko din sanang sumigaw na power of C talaga ang mas tamang gamitin kapag hindi alam ang sagot kaso wag na lang kasi tinatamad ako.

Walang halong biro I will miss this kind of bonding with them. Mamimiss  ko din ang walang katapusang plastikan at nakawan ng ballpen with my classmates. Charot! Next year, we will choose a different path to take because next year we will be officially senior high school students. Ngayon pa lang nahihirapan na ako pumili nang tatahakin kong propesyon. Tumigil na lang kaya ako? Isipin pa lang ang magiging reaksyon ni Mama pag sinabi ko yun kinikilabutan na ako.

"Then I expect a lot from you guys. See you next week for our clearance. Kung ang lahat nga ba ay papasa." We laughed at her remark. For sure pagbabawalan na naman ako ni Mama na gumamit ng cellphone mamaya, ganun pa naman yun pangit kabonding. Charot!

"See you, ma'am Avi" We said in unison. I felt my phone vibrating, so I took it out to see who had messaged me after ma'am Avi leave. Ang pag-sagot na lang ata ng text ang dahilan kung bakit ako bumabangon araw-araw. 

Love:

Meet me at the gym.

His chat looks cold, and it's odd that he wants me to meet him at the gym. He never likes the idea of me going there. I shrug it off and just reply to him.

Ako: 

On the way na love;)

I hurriedly go to the gym. I even run so I can be there quickly. Wala na akong pake kung may mababangga ako, parang si crush mo lang walang pake sayo. Chareng lang!

"Sorry." Someone bumped at me, I just ignored it and run again. Grabe kakapagod tumakbo pero laban lang, push lang makakarating din sa paroroonan.

When I'm already at the gym, I look for him, because alam ko na ayaw nyang pinaghihintay ko sya. Nakita ko sya sa bandang dulo kung saan malapit ang comfort room. Doon pa talaga sya tumambay kung saan mapalot. Char! Laging fresh ang CR sa school namin noh! Pwede na ngang tumira sa loob niyan.  I scanned him from head to toe and saw that he was wearing his jersey. I feel nervous all of a sudden, but I just shrug it off again. Maybe I'm just overthinking. Naglakad ako papunta sa kanya. Parang kasal lang ang peg ah.