love or in love?

"im not even in love with her!!"

i slid open her window and stepped inside. her bedroom was not what i was expecting. im not really sure what i thought it would look like, just not like this. it was dark, with only a dim yellow-ish lamp glowing from beside her bed. god i shouldnt be doing this. she had a hanging chair in the corner. i reluctantly sat in it and stared at her. im such a fucking creep. she looked so innocent. her hair fell around her head beautifully. her eyes were closed, her lips just slightly parted. how is someone so damn perfect when theyre not even concious. im gonna ruin this. her room was not tidy, but not messy. like a perfect mix of the two. i could only describe it as cozy. somewhere youd be relieved to go to after a stressful or long day. she had a canopy bed with yellow-orange curtains. i could spend hours in here. i wish she liked me back. i wish i could come home to this room with her. i wish she was mine. i laid back in the chair and closed my eyes. her room smelled like vanilla, but not too much. i spent the rest of the night watching her sleep, and inspecting her room. once i saw the sun creeping from behind the trees i knew it was time to leave. i forced myself to exit through the same window i came in. i ran back to my house, sure that any neighbors that were awake thought i was just going for one of my morning runs. i reached my house and went straight to my room. i changed my clothes, brushed my teeth, and gave up on my hair. it wasnt too messy. i went downstairs and grabbed a pan. i got the eggs out of the fridge and cracked, scrambled and fried them. i out some on a small plate.
"ellieeee!" i called out. she came skipping down the steps and sat up at the counter. she ate quickly and hopped out of the barstool. there was extra, but i wasnt hungry. i was too disgusted with myself to eat. i grabbed my bag from by the front door and slid on my shoes, not bothering to tie them. then i walked outside.
"ready?" i asked my sister. she nodded, grinning. i wish i was that excited about school. i started the car and pulled out of the driveway. i dropped her off at her school, and pulled up to the starbucks. i drove around to the drive-thru and got my girlfriend her usual and drove to school. i cant believe i did that while having a girlfriend. the truth was i loved my girlfriend, but i wasnt in love with her. i was in love with my neighbor, and i had been for years but she didnt see me that way. and then my current girlfriend asked me out and i jumped at the chance to be in a relationship. but i didnt know what i was getting myself into with her. she made me popular, and i had to be friends with her friends and their boyfriends. taylor stopped being friends with me because of my newfound popularity. i got out of the car and walked slowly to my girlfriends locker. i threw on a fake smile and handed the coffee to her. she thanked me and we kissed. i said goodbye and treaded to class. great. i have first period with taylor. i really wanted to talk to her but how could i face her after what i did? that kind of thing is unforgivable for most people. but maybe she isnt like most people? i wasnt counting on it. i walked into the classroom and sat down at my seat. i laid my cheek on the desk. it was cold and hard. i didnt think about the lack of sleep i would get that night. i was so tired. most of class was a blur, my only memory being the teacher practically screaming my name to get my attention.
"greyson!!" i flinched.
"uh- yes miss?" i shook myself awake.
"you and taylor are partners for the project" i nodded. fuck! what am i gonna do? the bell made me jump. i dont remember much of the rest of the day. i was shoving things into my locker at the end of the day when taylor slammed the door shut.
"what the hell is up with you today?" i shook my head.
"nothing?" i responded. "just didnt get a lot of sleep last night"
"okay. im coming over for the project later. and you better be awake." she walked off before i could say anything else. i saw summer glaring at her as she left. i just sighed and walked to my car. i went and picked up ellie from the elementary school. she was standing by the stop sign and she was on the verge of tears.
"shit!" i pulled over and flew out of the car. "hey ellie whats the matter? did something happen?" she shook her head and looked down. i picked her up and put her in the passenger seat. she hadnt actually started crying yet, but her eyes were glassy. "itll be okay ellie. dont be afraid to cry" and that was all she needed. she burst into tears and buried her head in my shirt. i stayed there until she pulled away.
"they were so mean!!" she sobbed. "they made f-fun of me for not having a m-mom!" i was furious. she was so damn happy this morning and now look at her. id never seen her this sad ever. not even when we found out mom was dying. it was close but moms death wasnt pointed directly at her, and she was only 4 when we found out, so she didnt really understand.
"do you wanna stay home tomorrow?" i asked. she shook her head.
"then theyll think im a loser who cant take a 'joke'. i wanna be there and be fine and show them i dont care what they say" i nodded and put the car in drive. i pulled into the driveway and saw taylor sitting on the porch. its boiling hot out here. couldnt she wait at her house? i got out of the car and helped ellie compose herself. she cried the whole way home. she was still sad, but she was better than before.
"why wait out here?" i asked taylor.
"my parents are fighting and i cant take it anymore. also your door was locked. whats wrong with ellie?" she stood up.
"bullies" i unlocked the door and we walked in. taylor sat on a barstool and ellie sat next to her. i sat on the counter and closed my eyes. "so... whats this project about?"
"youre joking right? holy shit you really were tired." i nodded. she hopped off the stool and walked into the kitchen. she made a pot of coffee and gave me a cup. i took a sip and made a face. i never liked the taste. she grinned.
"whats with that face?" i asked, taking another sip.
"nothing, its just- nevermind."
"nuh-uh. tell me."
"its just- you seem like your old self right now. i miss it."
"im still myself." i stood up and walked to get my textbook out of my bag.
"you know what i mean."
"not really."
"ever since you started dating summer you changed."
"everyone changes."
"yeah but-"
"but nothing. anyway history project."
"its about the history of the chinese government."
"oh hooray." i pulled out my laptop and started researching. i gulped down some more coffee and we finished the researching portion.
"grey."
"whats up"
"why have you changed yourself so much for her? its not likely that you two will even last throughout highschool." i rolled my eyes
"you dont know anything."
"i know that youve changed too much for her."
"oh my fucking god taylor! fine! you wanna know something? im not even in love with her! is that what you wanted to hear?" she stared at me wide-eyed. "fuck"
i didnt mean to yell at her like that. i just dont want her to know i like her. is it because im tired? is that why i lost my temper? whatever. whats done is done. i stared at the floor.
"shit taylor i-" i looked up at her. what i saw almost made me burst into tears on the spot. she had the saddest expression on her face. her eyes were shiny and she looked so hurt. she started walking towards the door. "taylor please! im sorry, im so so sorry please forgive me."
"wh-why do you-"
"i love her. id do anything for her, but im not in love with her and it makes it ten times worse. i really dont wanna hurt her." my voice cracked.
"i need s-some time to myself please." i nodded. and she walked out.