Skinny

Chapter 24

Holy cow, guys! Over 11.000 reads!!! Wow!!! Thank you all SO much! I appreciate every single one of you sticking with me on this. I know it's been a long time since I've updated, and I'm so sorry for that. But here is another chapter. I will get the next one up as soon as possible. I WILL NOT make you wait that long again! Enjoy :)

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My time at the hospital was nearing an end, and I had no idea how to handle it. I had exactly a week left with the people who understood me more than anyone. I knew once I was out, I would keep in close contact with them. There was no way I was letting those friendships end. Yes, I had Sasha and Robbie, and I knew they would be there for me through everything, but I knew some things they wouldn’t know how to take. I knew they wouldn’t know exactly what to say if I had felt the need to binge or purge.

The nice thing was, they were trying to understand, and that’s more than I could ever ask of them. They were researching and even had a few sessions with the school counselor. I didn’t blame them for talking about me, because I knew their reasons. My hospital stay wasn’t exactly a secret anymore. Everyone at school knew, according to my friends, but I didn’t mind. Instead of being embarrassed, I tried to see it as a lesson. Maybe others would see what happened to me, and try to get better. I could only hope.

I knew I would never be fully recovered. Others might try to tell me, but I knew the truth. I would always have thoughts about myself that were negative, and would always think back to how I used to handle them. But instead of following up on those thoughts, I would use techniques to rid myself of them. Not only physical, but mental techniques. The most important part of getting better was figuring out my mindset and how to control the negative parts. I used to let them consume me, but now, I had to remind myself that I was better than that.

I knew I would be more aware, also. I would see others doing the same things I did, and it would hurt. But I learned the biggest part of recovery is wanting to get better. Others wanting me to could never fully help me. I knew I had to realize myself and I had to be ready, and that’s what a lot of people in my situation didn’t know. They’ll put on an act for the people they care about, but once everyone thinks their fine, they’ll go back to the same routines. They had to learn for themselves that the voices or thoughts in their head telling them they’re fat, or that no one would love them if they didn’t get skinny, were just trying to bring them down. And once they realized that, then they could take the steps in controlling them.

Not only did I want to make my family and friends proud, I wanted to make myself proud, too. I wanted to be able to say ‘I did it’ with a smile on my face. A real smile, not those convincing, fake ones. I used to feel embarrassed whenever someone said they were proud of me, because I thought I didn’t deserve it. But now, after all I’ve achieved, I  knew I did.

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“I’m going to take you back to the beginning. Back to the denial and hiding. I want you to tell me, now that you have come this far, why you think you denied your eating disorder?” Dr. Reynolds asked.

I rolled my eyes and looked down at the blue, leather couch. Different. At first I was very wary of it. I was angry because I was so used to the red one. I didn’t want it to change. I felt comfortable, at ease when his office looked the same as the day before. When I had expressed that to him, he told me change was hard, but it was something I needed to get familiar with once I leave. That it was okay to accept change once in a while, as long as it didn’t hurt me or the ones I loved. When he told me that, I thought back to when I first came here.

I was so used to my ways. I didn’t want to change at all. Change was scary and different. I was stuck in the negative mindset because it was, in some odd sense, comforting. I knew what was in store for me. I knew how I would react and what I would think. Happiness was foreign. I was afraid of being happy because it was like a dark cloud in a clear, blue sky. You’re never sure if that dark cloud brings rain, a heavy thunderstorm, or if it’ll pass over and completely miss you. But I was ready to embrace it. Happiness is okay, and I did deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy.

“I think I denied my eating disorder because every time I looked in the mirror, I saw fat. And I would always think to myself, ‘if I’m fat, I can’t have an eating disorder.’ But that’s the furthest thing from the truth. It doesn’t matter what weight a person is, or what gender even, it’s the mindset. You don’t have to be stick thin to have an eating disorder, and I wish I thought like that before. It’s someone’s thoughts. Just because someone doesn’t binge or purge, or even exercise all the time, doesn’t mean they don’t have an eating disorder. Their mind could be a terrifying place. They could hate themselves so much because of how they look. That’s an eating disorder, and I think that’s why I denied mine.” I admitted to him.

The smile on Dr. Reynolds’ face brought one to mine. I had newfound knowledge that I never thought existed, and it was a wonderful thing. Maybe I was meant to go through this, so I could see the world differently, and see myself differently. I was strong enough to make it out alive. It hurts to know that so many people have died from eating disorders. It wasn’t because they were weak, no. It was because these kind of disorders are so powerful. They can and will control you, no matter how hard you think you fight. It takes a lot of support to be fully aware of what’s happening.

“What would you say to someone who is in the position you were when you first got here?” He asked.

“Ah, that’s easy. I would tell them that they’re not alone. They may feel lonely, but they’re definitely not alone. That it’s okay to ask for help, even though they may not feel like they deserve it. I just wish I had someone to tell me that, and they probably did, but I was too caught up in myself that I never took their words to heart. But I’m happy no one gave up on me. That’s the worst thing someone can do to anyone dealing with any mental illness.”

“You have come so far since the first day you got here. I am unbelievably proud of you, and always will be. And when you get out, you have my number, don’t ever hesitate to call if you need to. And hell, visit if you want!” Dr. Reynolds said.

I laughed. “I will definitely visit. Just because I’m leaving here, doesn’t mean I’m leaving the people I love behind.”

After a couple more minutes of talking, I was out of his office and heading towards the lounge area, where I saw Cece sitting alone at one of the tables, smiling to herself. I took a seat across from her and raised my eyebrows. “What’s made you so happy?” I asked.

She let out a long sigh, and I couldn’t help the giggle that escaped my lips. I knew what kind of sigh that was; love. “Gabe is so amazing.” She said, looking over to me.

“Tell me something I didn’t know. But what happened? Did he do something to make you all gushy?” I asked and laughed.

She nodded her head pretty quickly. “I was standing near the bathroom, contemplating whether or not to go in and, you know...” I knew very well what she meant. “... I’ve never contemplated. I always just went in and cut. Never did I think about it, so this time was really weird. But as I was standing there, he came up to me and grabbed my hands. It was like he knew too. Instead of saying anything to me, he rolled up my sleeves and ran his fingers along my scars. I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just stood there. After like, five seconds, oh my God Kylie, he brought my arms up and kissed them. Kissed every single scar and I just started crying. I couldn’t believe what was happening. When he was done, he looked up at me and said ‘These scars are a part of you, and I love every single part of you. I want to kiss where you’ve been hurt, and try to make it better. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.’”

I had the biggest smile on my face at the end of that. “Awww! Oh my gosh that is so cute! Aww, Gabe! Oh my God, aww!” I couldn’t help my girly side from coming out then. “Cece, I am so happy for you! You really deserve him, and he deserves you. You guys are so great for each other.”

She was all giddy by the time I got done aw’ing. “I know.” She said, a soft blush appearing on her cheeks.

“Where is he now?” I asked.

“Oh, he’s in the cafeteria. It’s lunch time now, but I told the nurse I wanted to wait for you, and she said it was okay.”

I smiled and stood up. “Well let’s go get something to eat, then!”

When Cece got up, we linked our arms together and headed towards the cafeteria. I was starving, only because I slept in for breakfast and couldn’t grab anything before the session with Dr. Reynolds. I didn’t mind though. Not because I was glad, but because I knew it happens. But I was ready to eat some pizza. And I would actually eat it this time.

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There is only one more chapter left after this, guys!