Random

Why do I simp and obsess

Today somebody asked me why I simp for fictional characters and I couldn't give them an answer because I didn't have one. So then I got to thinking. Why DO we obsess and fantasize over people who aren't real? Why do we imagine scenarios that will NEVER happen?

I don't know about you guys, but I know why I do it. Its because deep down I don't believe that anyone will ever love me. At least not as much as I love them.

My emotions are so strong my chest physically hurts and it gets hard to breathe sometimes because in my soul I don't believe that my life will get any better. I honestly believe that I will be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.

It scares me.

My biggest fear is being alone. Its being abandoned because the people I love realized that their lives would be better without me in it.

Sometimes I feel like the people around me would be better off if someone else was in my place.

Someone who deserves it.

I have basically the perfect life. Two loving parents, a best friend that cares, siblings who adore me, perfect grades in school, an outgoing personality, and from what people tell me (I don't believe it one bit) a pretty face and body.

There is literally no reason for me to be depressed or have anxiety or childhood trauma like my therapist says.

The only 'childhood trauma' that I have is being bullied about my weight and features, which shouldn't be enough to affect me now, almost five years later.

People think I'm fine because there's no reason for me to be in pain, because I have the 'perfect life'.

But they don't know that I cry myself to sleep. They don't know how terrified I am that they'll leave me.

I'm so scared of being alone that I can't set boundaries. I can't say no to people because I'm scared that they'll hate me for it and decide not to speak to me anymore.

All I want is someone to love.

More than anything I just want someone to love me back. I desperately want someone to love me like I love them.

I want to hear them tell me that it'll be okay while they hug me. I want to know that they love me no matter what and that they'll never leave me.

For me, that's why I obsess over fictional characters.

That's what a 'comfort character' is for me. I write and read fanfiction as a means to feel loved.

In short—its a way for me to cope.

P.S. Sorry for bothering you with my stupid irrational fears and emotions because none of you deserve to hear my depressing rants.