Oh the day. That wonderful day man i was nervous af I almost didn't go but I'm so glad i did. (context) I've been chatting to someone for a few weeks now i really like him like weally weally like him. Hes 18 and so cute n funny n kind he does nothing but make me smile and feel happy. I love talking to him i could do it for hours n not get bored.
So this wonderful day im referring to is the day of our first meet in person. 8pm at night ive spent all day in a super nervous state im so scared. you know that sickly feeling you get when really nervous just that all day. Its time taxi is on way. When i arrived it took a little bit for me to build up the confidence to open the door but i thought ive made it this far. The guy whos made me smile and laugh so much is just on the other side of it. Ha i went straight to the bar Dutch courage i guess got a drink and walked over to where he was sat. OMG hes perfect unbelievably cute and his smile just warms my heart.
We spent the whole night together something happened during the night. He had a panic attack it broke my heart i felt so useless and shit seeing him like that. i just wanted to hole him and tell him everything will be okay. But i couldn't i didn't know if it was gonna be okay. I got him some water and pretty much froze in a state of sadness and heartache the guy i liked a lot is suffering and i cant help. safe to say i cried that night well he was asleep. we went to bed together but not in that way you dirty minded buggers. we just cuddled which i loved it was cute. i cried well he was asleep thinking about what had happened. I 100% fell for him that night i can safely say yes i love him.
Over the mood excited ecstatic joyful blissfulness happiness hes asked me to be his boyfriend. Without a second thought i said yes. The guy who has captured my mind and heart has just asked me to be his I would be a fool to say no.
i could do this as a monthly thing but imma keep it brief maybe one day ill do a more in depth one. So time flies when having fun were a couple month into the relationship. A lot of hanging out video calls ive met his family. I adore his sisters theyre just as funny as he is his dad is a pretty cool guy i think they've accepted me idk. its definitely had some ups and downs but yknow what relationship doesnt. especially as its his first proper relationship and thats a big thing for someone his age but im so proud of him hes doing amazingly.
hes stopped talking to me im scared i dont know why. it comes from getting back from a weekend together which i thought went well. i know he was homesick but idk what i did wrong. it really hurts not talking to him everyday i guess ill just have to give him space and hope it works out. it came at a bad time as well coz i just received some bad news about my gran and i would really love him rn to be able to hug or just talk to and see that amazing smile i love so much.
okay were talking again thankfully i dont know what i would do if i lost him i really dont i am madly in love with him. im not sure he knows quite just how much he means to me and how much i love him. i dont even know where to start with telling or showing him. it continues to be rocky but its getting better at least i think it is. hes still struggling to open up and communicate with me about what hes thinking and feeling but im a patient guy and hopefully with time he will.
our relationship is odd its full of ups and downs but theyre worth it just to be with him. ive started seeing him once a week for personal reasons im not particularly feeling myself lately and i dont want him to worry about me. i just keep feeling pretty down im not sleeping much my head keeps going and doesn't stop. ive stopped going out and just sit listing to music or on call with him watching moves trying not to show that anything is wrong. maybe he knows maybe he doesnt idk he asked said or asked anything.
well listing to music feeling down i found a song and ive been playing it on repeat. it makes me think of him and that makes me smile. its called love walked in by thunder and i love it. it kinda sums up how i was before i met him broken-hearted and completely given up on finding someone. then he walked in and relit the fire in my soul and my heart burst into flames with happiness and love. i really love him.
i love him so much he asked if i would get him a ring and so i set about looking and i cant stop looking at this engagement ring thinking about how i would love to marry him and grow old by his side. funny actually he asked at the same time i was thinking about getting something for him tattooed on my chest. i was thinking his name or initial with a little heart next to it with the infinite logo inside it.
were doing a lot better and im over the mood about that. a lot has happened well being together some good some bad but nothing i would change. everything happens for a reason and i think the bad is just for us to work through and become closer and stronger and the good is to enjoy and remind us why we work thought the bad.
ive learned a lot about him so much it would take me a long time to list everything. like his love for marvel and his strange quirk of eating beans in a bowl with a fork. i still find that odd but extremely cute and his adorable cute little snore when he sleeps. hes perfect he weally weally is. i love him so so much. hes beautiful and funny and kind and smart and silly and sexy and adorable the list goes on. going from thinking i would never meet anyone or love anyone again to how deeply i love and care and want to be with him is amazing to me.
ill update yall soon ive got work to do and a boyfriend to love.
well if yall want an update. if youve seen the im sorry part of this. i fucked up. and i regret it like nothing ive ever regretted before. im an idiot and i feel so shit for it. i may have just lost the love of my life because of my stupidity. i cant take it back and im sorry. ive spent the day crying and feeling like garbage. suppose i deserve to feel like crap tbh. as crappy and sad as i feel i can deal with that. im more worried about how hes feeling i love him and ive hurt him that i can never take back. i hurt the love of my life and ill pay the price for that till i die. life lesson for you guys who ever the fuck actually reads this if you find someone you love dont be a fucking idiot like me and make a stupid mistake thatll cost you that love. i dont know if that love is gone for ever if ive lost him forever only time will tell i hope i havent because i do really love him and i unsure whatll ill actually do with out him. probably go back into that dark depressing place i was before i met him. dont ever hurt someone you love by doing something stupid. hurting them and potentially losing that love oh man it fucking sucks. i hope i dont lose him but if i do thatll have to be the price i pay for the stupidity of my decisions.
you guys might not here from me for while idk maybe ill now use this as a place to dwell in my stupid sorrow. hopefully ill be able to wrote something nice like how hes choosing to stay and work things out. idk i really dk. fuck im a absolute fucking moron.
Here we are still going. Slight progress today he talked to me. Asked if I want to go for drinks for his birthday but as friends. Which paired with the let's be friends for now bit shattering what remained of my heart. Those words are not ones you want to hear when going through a difficult time with the person you love. Obvs I'll go for the drinks it's his birthday I ain't gonna miss it even if I gotta drag my depressed heartbroken arse there sit in the corner and cry into my pint because I can't stand it. I'll be there. I'm not gonna miss his first birthday well we're together even if it kills me doing it. I love him obvs I'm gonna go.
However I don't like texting him now. I'm scared to do it I don't wanna annoy him. But at the same time I wanna text him so he knows I'm still here. So I'm just stuck in this middle section not knowing what to do and trying to pick everything I do extremely carefully so I don't ruin any chance there might be of I can't even say it coz it's like admitting something I don't wanna happen. But I'm sure I get it.
Yknow this was supposed to be a super cute thing I was gonna show him on our anniversary or maybe when we got married I hadn't yet decided that. And now it's tuned into a place where I'm just writing down my thoughts not all of them but some of them. I don't even know who is reading this most probably drop out after the first sentence lol. Quick escape before the heartbroken depressing ramblings of a sad man start.
I haven't been sleeping or eating or doing anything really. Just sitting in a dark room with the silence repeatedly calling myself an idiot which doesn't even do it justice but I'm unsure of a word harsher than idiot and my motivation level is at zero so I can't be bothered googling it. I can't be bothered writing this but I am coz it saves me screaming. My brain won't stop the voice in my head won't shut up. And the pain sadness and guilt I don't think will ever go away. Just gonna have to adapt to existing with it I guess.
I'm a fool and I want my boy back
