8 months ago I fell inlove with you. You told me "oh baby, dont be scared, I won't leave." I was so terrified to love again because last time I got hurt. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was broken and would push people away, bottled up my feelings, faked smiles and laughs... But inside I was very broken. A girl faking her way through life. But oh god. He knew me better than anyone else. I tried so hard not to love you but I have strong feelings for you and I don't know what to do with them. Without you I feel an emptiness, a huge gap that has been ripped out of my heart. I can't go on without you because you taught me how to get through each and everyday but you left and broke me. you put my broken heart back together and broke it even more. like a mirror. it broke and was put back together but you can't find each and every piece so when you break it, it's broken. Very broken. Here I am, 3 weeks without you and it feels like 3 years. I have 1 friend to talk about everything to but it will NEVER be the same like it was with you. You completed me. You made me whole. You cheated on me and left. You are gone. I still can't get over this. I'm pretending I'm okay. I don't know how much longer I can. You told me you wouldn't hurt me and those same eyes I fell inlove with, broke me like the fucking blade being dragged onto my wrist, dripping with blood, with me bawling on the floor, makeup running down my face, gasping for air. I can't live without you. I love you. I can't begin to tell you how much I've hurt myself on the outside to try and take some of the pain out of the inside. I wanna feel happy. I wanna feel what it's like to be happy. It's been a while. I just really miss you and I can't do anytbing about it. I need you. But you don't need me, you have other people and it fucking hurts knowing you're fine while I'm here never been hurt more. I try to be strong and not cry but I just can't. I guess I wasn't enough? Maybe I wasn't nice enough? Maybe I wasn't pretty enough? Maybe I wasn't skinny enough? Maybe I was too caring? Maybe I was too protective? Maybe I poured out my heart too much? Maybe you just found someone better. That hurts. Like a bitch. I gave you the world. Yeah you're welcome. I give you so much and maybe you just didn't care. Or better yet maybe this was god giving me a way out. Maybe i need to find better, I need to find someone who cares more, who loves more, or something like that. But I hate being me. I constantly have to have affection or someone there because otherwise I feel like you will find someone better or I feel alone. I hate it. You were the reason I stopped cutting. I'm addicted now. Every night I do it. I bottled up my feelings for the past 3 weeks and acted like I didn't give a fuck. Tonight is the night when all my feelings came out bursting into tears. I can't believe you aren't mine anymore. I know you still think about me. I know it. You look at me the same way you always did but except a way that we both know this was ending. We couldn't do anything about it because maybe the fire just ran out. I think about you a lot actually. Hoping you're doing well, not as broke as me. But I don't deserve to be this hurt. Nobody does. It's just not fair but life isn't fair this is apart of life. now I have built up the same huge walls but this time even bigger, I don't trust people as easily, I push people away even further, I bottle up my feelings even more. I'm thankful for my friend. He was always there for me and he gave me advice when I needed it, listened when I needed that. I don't think he realizes how much he means to me. he deserves such an amazing person bc I've never met someone who has such a good heart before. He cares and makes an effort into the things he does and some people don't see that. he is a great friend and any girl would be so lucky to have him. he goes for girls that don't look for the things he looks for. he will end up hurt and it hurts me. i wish he listened to me bc I only want the best for him. I don't want him sad. I have so many things that hurt me that I just need to say. Another is one of my best friends. She's a girl. She moved to Idaho. I miss her. I shut her out because I thought she didn't care. She made things seem like she didn't wanna hear what I had to say so I stopped trying. She started getting mad at me and she doesn't understand that I'm depressed and I'm hurt and some times I'll be a bitch but I'm sorry. We aren't as good as friends and it really hurts bc she told me she doesn't care about me. Guess she wouldn't care if I died. I think about suicide. I hate myself. I really do. I cry myself to sleep bc I don't think people love me. They treat me like shit and I don't deserve it. All I do is give out love and care and get treated w disrespect and that's not cool. I hate it. I hope I'll be okay. But I miss you. I miss him. So much. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep the same. I can't talk the same. You fucked me up. Just like that, you were gone.
