Why... (voltron angst)

love and loss.

tw: unrequited love 

(there will be a second part so be exited)

never once did i believe i'd fall in love. and that's true, i never truly thought love existed so i never thought i'd find it. i mean, everyone i've ever known has had a terrible love life, why would i put myself through that?

oh, but i was so wrong.

that day you sat across from me in second period. your eyes, your hair, your voice, you. everything about you was so intriguing, so different. ive never felt the way i did the day i met you. i denied the attraction i felt. sure, you're beautiful, but i'm not into you. or at least i tried to tell myself that's how i felt.

but everything you did pulled me in. every single thing. your laugh, your jokes, your personality, i think everything you did made me fall harder. and believe me, i tried so hard not to like you. i tried everything. i even got a girlfriend. but i didn't feel the same way with her the way i did with you.

i loved her, but i wasn't in love with her.

i love being your friend, i really do. but i feel like i'm deceiving you when i don't tell you how i feel. you're so patient with me it's annoying, im a hotheaded loner, im mean, yet you dont seem to care. you never force me to talk if i don't want to, you always invite me to hang out with you and your friends, you even sit with me at lunch, it's so nice of you that i want to believe you want me the way i want you. but i know that's not what it is.

and because i know that it makes me wish you hated me instead of being my best friend. every time i get a text or call from you, my entire day is 100x better than it was before. so much so that i almost tell you how i feel when we hang out at your house, lying close, just talking. but i know i shouldn't. and i never will, my feelings are kept strictly to myself.

and im dreading the day you'll get into a relationship, and i know that's so selfish of me, but i cant help it. it's so insane to me how love works, why can't it be me? you dont even understand how much i wish it was me. but when you do get into a relationship with a pretty girl, i will do nothing but support you and be your best friend. like i said, my feelings are kept to myself. and i don't think i've ever done anything to give you the impression that i'm into you... right? oh god, im such an idiot. 

one night you jokingly asked me if id be the best man at your wedding when you get there and i pray to every god out there that i didnt look upset. i laughed and said "of course, of course!" just like any best friend would do. but it hurts, you know? but i suppose i cant really be mad. no, im never mad with you.

the way you speak is so mesmerizing, i dont know what to do. i love the way you say my name and i know its wrong. i know you dont mean it how i want you to and it kills me.

i almost want to think you talk to me like that on purpose. 

i could write about how i feel about you forever and it wouldn't be enough, but this is as close as i can get to a confession without immense guilt and cringe. what am i doing here? you dont even like boys. why am i so hung up on you? god, what is wrong with me???

i think one day i'll tell you how i feel, but until then I'm content with just being your friend.

/////////

Keith shut his notebook rather aggressively, "Woah, buddy. What's up with you?" Lance asked from behind him. Keith jumped and had a mini heart attack, "That was not funny," he said exasperated, "don't you know its rude to sneak up on people?" "Don't you know its rude to ignore people phone calls?" Lance shot back, sitting down beside his friend. Keith picked his phone up off the table, "Oh, sorry. Phones on silent," Keith skimmed through the missed calls and texts. "Whys your phone on silent, if you don't mind me asking?" Lance put his head on his hand on the table. "Studying," Keith answered, anxiously. He was never a good liar and Lance knew it. The brunette raised a brow at Keiths nervousness, "Right," he replied unconvinced. "Anyway, I think you need a break from studying. You're stressed out," Lance stood up out of his chair, "come on. We're going to my house." Keith shook his head, "I'm studying," he insisted. Lance stretched, "Fine, but you know what's at my house, right?" Keith raised a brow. Lance gave his signature smirk, "Strawberry ice cream." Keith rolled his eyes and gave a long, dramatic sigh. "Fine," he relented, "but I'm only going for the ice cream." "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say." Lance smiled, "Can you go pull my car around to the front? I've gotta turn in a book and i don't wanna be here longer than i have to," Lance handed Keith his car keys. Keith rolled his eyes, "Sure. 5 minutes," he smiled and grabbed the keys. 

Keith grabbed his bag off the back of his chair and headed out, forgetting his notebook on the table. Lance finished turning in his book and was on his way out when he saw Keith's notebook and grabbed it for him. He opened it and flipped through the first few pages, looking at Keith messily taken notes from chemistry. Until the heading on one of the pages caught his attention; his name, a heart scribbled next to it. He paused and decided to just close Keith's notebook. He walked out the doors and climbed into the car, "You forgot your notebook," he offered it to Keith. Keiths eyes widened ever so slightly, and he snatched the book from Lance. "Did you open it?" He asked. Lance shook his head, "Nah, why?" Keith felt his shoulders ease a bit, "I'm just- I'm embarrassed of my notes. I scribble them and," he cut himself off, "sorry for snapping, it's just-" Keiths violet eyes met Lances dark blue ones, "it's just a notebook. Thanks for grabbing it." Lance put his hand on Keith's shoulder, "No problem, Keith." Keith felt his ears get hot, a very intense indicator he was blushing.