The Rants of A Mentally Numb Teen

Thoughts

When I have no one to talk to or in most of my cases, when no one talks to me, I talk to myself. It's not as crazy as it sounds like since I think of it as communicating with my inner self. I use this paper to let out everything inside since what's apparent on the outside completely contradicts what's hidden deep down in the left part of my chest which is called the heart. You know, I somehow respect all hearts in general. Despite the scars that were healed and despite the damage that had been caused to them, they still keep pumping the blood to the rest of our bodies to keep us alive. I guess that's how we're supposed to be - persistent. The thing is, I'm alive yet I feel more dead than ever. I'm so mad for no logical reason. I just am. It's one of those days that are meant to be sorrowful. It's calm and quite and tremendously isolating from the rest of the world. Imagine sitting in your own chamber of secrets, surrounded by your thoughts- alone. Scary, isn't it? Well, in my case, that's a routine I maintain every.single.day. I hate the fact that I get mad for no reason and what I dislike the most is the fact that I can't express myself the way I want to.
"Turn your pain into something beautiful." Bullshit. I don't even know what beautiful is anymore. This society would think of a daisy as a frightening flower if it weren't a rose. What I'm saying is that I don't know where beauty lies. It's messed up. This shit is supposed to make me feel better, however, it does the total opposite. IT MAKES ME THINK MORE. I guess I really am not aware of how an individual can cheer themself up.. It's sad, but again, I'm used to it. I really hate this.. Just keep me occupied and I will survive this shit hole called boredom. Boredom is a nightmare... It makes me stare and stare and stare while thinking of what the future holds. It's terrifying and it makes me anxious. Fuck you, thoughts.