Dear Louis,
It's been 2 weeks of absolute torture without you. Why did you do this to yourself. What finally pushed you over the edge to make you kill yourself. The boys noticed how depressed you were as well, of course they did, none of us knew what to do. Every time we asked you to hang out you would say you were busy. We all tried to talk to you, we tried so hard to get you to open up but nothing worked. Eventually you were in your own little bubble, it hurt like hell seeing you so sad Lou. It broke my heart when you would ignore us and at that point I knew I had lost you but I still wasn't ready for that one phone call confirming my worst fears, you were gone, forever and that was gonna take more than my lifetime to get used to. I completely lost it, I broke everything I could see and didn't stop crying for days. Once I completely trashed my flat I went to yours and stayed in your bed. Breathing in your scent as much as I could until it disappeared forever. Zayn was a different story, he started drinking and smoking every night, cuts started to appear on his wrist and he got into fights almost all the time. Niall never stopped drinking, ever. Remember when he said he was never gonna get a tattoo? Now he has more both of us combined. Remember all our matching tattoos boo? You were the oops to my hi the dagger to my rose the compass to my ship and the rope to my anchor. Liam tried to stay strong for us all but when he finally broke we all cried together, we missed our best friend. We all decided to get a tattoo for you, we decided to get your initials on the inside of our right ring finger and it's my new favourite tattoo. The little L.T was all I needed to remind me you were real and it helped a bit, it really did. Why didn't you let me help you Lou, I could of fixed you! I knew everything about. Dammit Lou why did you do this. I could of helped you and you would of get better I'm your best friend for fucks sake the one you trusted with everything! What hurts me the most is that I will never know what finally pushed you to do it. Was it me, please don't let it be me I love you so fucking much Lou. I want to hate you for what you did to us, I really do but deep down I know I never could because I'm in love you Louis Tomlinson and it's always been you. I wished I would of told you when you were still here but I was a fucking coward, not man enough to face my own feelings. I just miss you, so so much Boobear. You left me when I needed you most and I can't bear not being able to see you again. Maybe if you could kill yourself I could to because I needed my Boobear! I fucking need him to live. Right now I'm the one who needs to be fixed. Right now I'm the one who needs the help.
All the love forever, H x
