Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 22: Confessions in a Cell

TW: mention of self-harm

After Negan saved Judith, the committee of Alexandria agreed to start letting Negan out of the cell, supervised, to work. He was at first allowed with chains on, and then when those were removed he was allowed to garden with 2 guards. By the time spring came around, one guard was on Negan duty during the day and they pulled the night guard duty. But that didn't stop me from stopping by 2 to 3 times a week. I still couldn't sleep without being down there. The nightmares keeping me awake. It was always Alpha getting into Alexandria to find me, to finish me off for not following her orders. Always a new way of trying to end me. Whenever I was with Negan in the cell, the nightmares were bearable, mostly because I had someone there to wake me when they started. Although I don't want to head out for training, Michonne insists I go, "Sadie, it's been weeks since you've been out of these walls. I need you there. Everyone's going, it's training with oceanside. We need our best."

I huff out in protest, "I get it, but I'm just tired." It's more than that, it's a fear I haven't felt since Daryl helped me get rid of it back in the tombs of the jail.

"I know, but I appreciate it. We all will." Michonne says, confirming I'm going with everyone else to Oceanside tomorrow. Although I want to tell her the truth about my fears, I can't do it. She trusts me incessantly, and I'm too afraid to lose that.

So the night before we head out I saunter to the cell around midnight, "later than usual Sadie-baby. What's got you?" Negan oozes out smoothly as I open the cell.

"Had to pack myself up.." I say shutting the door behind me.

He adds, "so you're off to training?" I nod as I walk over to the bed to take off my boots, "too mushy of me if I say I'll miss ya round here?" He moves further into the bed for me to climb into.

"Feels mushy" I reply, folding my legs up to lay into the bed, "but I don't mind. It's a side of you I don't see very often."

He scoffs as we get comfortable next to one another, "you've seen it more than anybody else has."

"Guess I'm special" I smirk even thought he can't see me. I close my eyes, the tiredness taking over.

He wraps an arm around my waist as he cuddles up close to me, "you sure are, Sadie-baby." It's all too soon when I am waking up to my watch beeping. I quickly turn it off as to not wake Negan. But it's too late and as I slowly go to move, he refuses to let me go and pulls me closer to him, "mmmm, not yet." He takes a deep inhale in of my hair as he holds me right to him.

I chuckle and ask, "how suspicious would people be if I try and get another mattress down here."

Negan whispers in my ear, "you don't like waking up next to me or something?"

"It's not that" I swat the air so he can see, "it's just maybe if there was a little bit more space I wouldn't wake up to a boner in my back every-time I wake up down here." I snicker at my response to him.

We both chuckle but he takes it in stride and returns, "Sadie-baby, we could be on opposite ends of a California king and I'd still wake up with a hard on for you."

We both laugh some more and I turn onto my back so we're face to face as he sits up and rests on his elbow so he's above me slightly. I've been fighting the urge to tell Negan how I feel about him, because I'm scared. We both know there's something there but Negan is waiting for me to make the move. Which just makes things harder for me. I know I shouldn't have feelings for him. But I do. So, instead of leaning up to kiss him, I say in a low voice, "thank you for being here for me."

"Not like I'm going anywhere else." He jokes, not taking me seriously.

I smile but shake my head, "I'm being serious here. All these years and you've never wavered on being there for me, on being my friend."

"I think you have that backwards, darling. You're easy to be friends with, I'm the hardass, the bad guy." He replies, moving his hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, "I should be thanking you for keeping me sane all these years."

I smirk, "maybe you used to be the bad guy, but you're the only person who's seen what I've been going through lately. You're the only person not pushing me to be okay. And I need that, I need someone to be vulnerable with or I'll probably go back to hurting myself. That's a version of me I don't want to become again, and I feel like you maybe feel the same way about yourself."

He shakes his head ever so slightly and responds, "who's the mushy one now?"

I squish up my nose and my mouth scowls in as he deflects my end comment. He sighs slightly in defeat and agrees with me, "yea, you're right, I don't want to be the same man I was. But there's still parts of me I wish I could get back. Being down here all this time.." he whistles off a little and stares almost through me in thought of a life he isn't capable of living.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" I offer.

He smiles wide and blinks back to reality, "let me give you a proper send off?" I nod, understanding what he's asking. He leans down and kisses me firmly. I feel the butterflies dance in my stomach as we kiss for a few minutes. His hand grabs my cheek and he holds me tightly as he slowly brings his tongue into my mouth. I accept his advance and use my tongue in return, turning off all my thoughts and just focusing on everything I'm feeling inside. Suddenly I pull away and without second guessing myself I ask, "I'm assuming if we took this farther you could be done in under 5 minutes?"

Negan smiles, but pushes his lips back to me for one final kiss. He shakes his head when he pulls away, "abso-fuckin-lutley. But I don't want this to happen down here. Not in the cell. You deserve more than this Sadie-baby."

"I'm okay with this" I say back, quickly glancing around the dimly lit cell, "I feel safe down here with you."

Negan sighs and drops his head, "well maybe you do, but not me. This isn't where or how I'd want this to go down with you." My eyes must tell him the hurt I'm feeling because he jokes, "besides, you know the moment my dick touches you, I ain't making it 5 fuckin minutes. I gotta fantasize these next few days you're gone to get myself ready."

I laugh loudly, not expecting him to make fun himself that way and hit him on the chest, "so. Vile."

"May be vile but it's true. It has been some fuckin time since I had myself a good ole fuck."

"Ok, alright. Moments ruined!" I smile and sarcastically push at him, "off, off. Time to go."

Negan smiles and chuckles and gets up off the bed to see me out, "be safe out there, Ok? I'll be waiting for you when you get back."

I smile wide and nod, "good" while turning to shut the cell and lock it. I hustle to the house to grab my things, having spent a bit more time down in the cell with Negan than anticipated. I'm not positive, but I'm still pretty positive Michonne and Gabriel are the only ones who know about my time at night in the cell.