When He Loved Me

Ch. 15 Epilogue

It's July 2020 and I'm walking around Manhattan witnessing as New York City slowly sputters back to life. I got back in March just in time before the world decided to close itself because of the deadly pandemic that claimed thousands of lives.

These past few months, it has been very challenging for me to deal with a broken heart while living in a state of constant anxiety.

Now, things are starting to get better.

I enter a coffee shop and the smell of freshly brewed coffee and freshly baked pastries greeted me. I walked over to the counter and gave the barista my usual order, caramel macchiato and a ham and cheese croissant. After he gave me my order, I walked to the booth by the corner of the shop with a huge window giving me a view of the outside.

It's really nice seeing people walking around, even if its just a fraction of the number of people that used to walk this street, usually pacing briskly with a purpose, face painted with determination, as if the world's burden is placed entirely upon their shoulders. I think I used to be like that.

I don't know if I am now better or worse, but I know that I have changed. I am not the same girl who went home to the Philippines in the early summer of 2020 . I am no longer that girl who is unsure if I am worthy of being loved, who at the same time is also afraid of being "too much".

When Nico told me his reasons for choosing to let me go, I felt like I was provided with this glimpse of my true self. He, a person who I have not been with for more than twelve years, have helped me realize my reason for why I live my life the way that I do.

When I was younger, I had big dreams. I wanted to get out of our small island so that I can see the world. Eventually, I did achieve my dreams, only to find myself unhappy. Only to find myself dissatisfied with what I have.

I went home to the Philippines questioning my choices. I went home at a time when I have completely lost my drive. Meeting Nico and hearing him tell me that he loved me because of my passion helped me find the drive to believe in myself again. Those few hours with him served as a my compass which guides me in navigating this big world that I'm in.

I know it would be lovely to travel through life with a companion, but I also now understand that sometimes, it's better to go through a journey alone. Nico has made the choice for me then, and he made it again for me now. At first it hurt me, but as I did before, I move on from the pain. Only now, I can move on better because I understand his reasons more clearly.

I guess it's really true that with age comes maturity and that time heals all wounds. However, not just because I understand it better means that it hurt any less.

And what a time to be in!

The months of self-quarantine during the pandemic have both scarred me for life and enabled me to heal some deeply buried wounds. Being alone, I had the time to reflect on my life, my past, my plans. I realized that I don't need to suppress that island girl in me. I realized that I owe it to her to be happy and proud of what I have achieved, even if it's not perfect, even if I still get tired and lonely sometimes. I owe it to her to believe in myself because I worked hard to be where I am right now.

And I owe it to Nico, too. I owe it to one of my greatest believer, the one who was willing to lose his love and get hurt in order for me to reach my dreams.

Meeting him again, most of my doubts vanished. I no longer think if my life would be better if I we stayed together because now I know that life was not better when he loved me, but because he loved me.