Random thoughts about random things

Maybe

Do you believe in fate? No? Then how is it that out of the millions or billions of people in the world I happened to meet her? If it wasn't for her joining some random match in Fortnite with my best friend, I never would have met her. Call it fate or coincidence but I know I was meant to meet her. Just maybe it was meant to be. 

Maybe we were meant to meet and fall in love. Maybe it was meant to happen. But what if it was only to teach us a lesson? To teach us how to love and grow. To accept that fate changes... People grow apart. Or maybe it was to teach me my toxic patterns and how loving someone and trying to keep them makes me change in both good and bad ways. I want to go back to how I was when I first fell. The sweet loving girl I was then for her. Sure I can keep some sides of me now... But I want to be who she fell for and not whatever I've been lately. It's not all my fault but I know it is partially my fault. I want to be what she needs but I also know that I need her to be what I need too sometimes. Maybe if we can work on this together we can make it work. Communication is key. 

Maybe... We can make this work. Maybe we can fix things and grow even when we have no idea of what to do or how to go about it at all. We just both need to be honest and try. We can't give up even if we feel like shit... If you love someone you don't just give up. I'll be there for her. Through the good and the bad. I love her. 

But... What if maybe... We can't make this work? What then? Do we just start over? I can't do that. The thought of her ending up with someone else... loving them... breaks my heart. I don't want to be with anyone but her. I always think... That maybe if I was more than what I can be I'd be enough. That's my trauma thinking tho. Because in the end, I'm never enough. Love isn't enough. You have to put time, effort, and communication in too. But what do you do if you're too drained for that? What do you do when you can't be okay enough? What do you do... when you can't be there for her? What do you do when you can't be enough...? Others say I'm enough or that I'd be enough for them... But I don't care if I'm enough for them. I don't want to be enough for them I want to be enough for her. She's the one I want to be enough for. Aren't I enough? 

Maybe we aren't meant to be... Maybe this will end very badly and we'll both get hurt. Maybe she'll end up hating me and it'll be my fault again. But... Maybe we are. That maybe makes me want to hold on more. I focus on the maybe we are... and not the maybe we aren't. Maybe that's also the problem. 

-Katniss Reece- 

August 7, 2023