Loving you is such a lonely feeling

Prologue

The Divine Of love

I picked up the book, letting out a small sigh —a mixture of pride and underwhelm while remind myself that this is just marked the beginning of my journey, one that seemed to stretch into an uncertain horizon.

I reassured myself repeatedly that this is what I sign up for and I just have to follow the rules and the flows. Everything is going to be fine as long as I am confident and put all my trust on what I am doing. "Don't fuck up, Anna. For once.'

Returning the book to its rightful place, I left the bookstore and headed towards the food courts . My meal schedule getting more and more messed up. I need to pull myself together as I kept on forgetting the fact that I've been warded for two times because of gastric. There's nothing I can do because I always got inspiration for writing something when it was time for me to get dinner or breakfast. Sound extremely ridiculous for someone who always sending her book draft late. It's not like I purposely skipping my meals , it just the timing is so bad.

'so you blame the time now? That's very likely for someone who is a whack and always a disgrace to her family' a voice within me taunted.

I need Scott to coordinating my meal times again instead of giving foods that made me nauseous. What the hell is going on his brain to give me dates juice every night and serve me avocado every morning knowing that I hate avocado. Seriously , who in the right mind would think I'd enjoy avocado? Well , I don't care. Avocado is tasteless, bitter and bland . Period. I know Scott trying his best by making a dozen of preparations for guacamole and I pretty much appreciate his effort . No, thank you. Avocado toast? Thanks, I'll pass. Sliced , diced , mashed , on the side ? I scoop it up and give it to Iris.

From afar, I saw Iris swaying her hand and continuously signaling me, with Scott beside her, licking mint-chocolate ice cream. He looked struggling as the ice cream slowly melted down. I know I have bad eyesight, but I'm certainly not blind and could recognize her tall figure and neon yellow blouse at one glance.

" where did you go? I thought you were going to the toilet? Why did you come from there ?" Iris striking me with questions and pointing in the opposite direction of the restroom.

"I stopped by at the bookstore. Anyway , where are we going to eat ? I'm so hungry." I said, resting my arm on her shoulder despite her being 5'7 ft tall.

"You know how hard it is for me to bend down when you do that," Iris replied, taking my hand and locking her arm with mine.

"So what's the tea about Dr. Jaden that you can't wait to tell us and couldn't even wait for me to drink before you suddenly cut off the call?" I shot Scott a sharp glare while he stuffed the rest of his ice cream into his mouth.

"He old me he oing ahack " Scott said, spitting tiny crumbs of ice cream cone from his mouth and quickly wipped his mouth with his hand.

"Scott! It's gross !" Iris pushed him away.

"your MO credential is questionable at this point" I said while looking around for sushi restaurant. It's funny how I hangout with two doctors and best friend at that when I'm not even in medic field.

"I'm craving for sushi emm" I pouting and blink my eyes to Iris begging her to have sushi for our lunch.

"How can you be craving sushi when we literally had sushi two days ago, five days ago, a week ago, and even a month ago? I think you've been eating sushi almost every day for the past 11 years. You and your taste—can't relate," I said to Scott.

"scott , did you forget that we have to leave early because you had 'sudden' meeting ? Can you just follow me now ? If I ask you what you want to eat, it will take forever. " I sarcastically remind him.

"You and your weak memory," said Iris as we exchanged a high-five, and I gave a smirk to Scott

"Okay, girls. You guys won. Let's eat sushi!" Scott finally surrendered to our decision.

"So, what's up with Dr. Jaden?" I asked Scott, selecting sushi from the conveyor belt.

"I'm not sure if I should tell you guys this news or not," Scott contemplating while looking at menu. I'm sure he is having a tough times there because he always complaining when we are eating Sushi King though his favorite dish is literally ramen so I can't really fathom why he always against the idea of us eating at Japanese restaurant.

"Seriously?" Iris and I exchanged a disapproving look as she kicked Scott's leg under the table. Scott is always like that. He's the king of dropping hints and then saying that they're just random bits of nonsense. Then why he always so excited to tell us about something if he just end up not to tell anything. Scott was the embodiment of exuberance, that goofy, easygoing, talkative friend who could tickle our funny bones effortlessly. But, beneath that cheerful facade, he remained a mystery, tightly guarding his inner world. One minute, he's all sunshine and rainbows, and the next, he's in a total funk. I've been friends with Iris and Scott for 11 years now so I basically know his personality and how he's like and it's been his jam since our college days. Rather than prying, I preferred him to confide in us willingly, to feel he could unburden his troubles when he was ready. So there he is, sitting across from me, and a wave of sadness just crashes over me. It's like this inexplicable pity . I don't think that he doesn't trust us yet to tell his part of story. It's more like he's got this whole personal world that he's struggling to put into words. And honestly, I get it – sometimes it's tough to figure out where to even start.

"arghhhhh" Scott screaming in pain dramatically. He always overreacting too.

"Shhh," we both silenced him with a slap on his arm as many people look at our table after his screaming.

"Just continue already," I urged. Tapping away on the tablet's screen, I was practically drooling over the pictures of food. Just looking at the savory tonkotsu ramen make my stomach straight-up growled, like it was about to revolt if I didn't get a taste of that deliciousness soon.

"Well, apparently, Dr. Jaden are getting fired," Scott revealed.

"Wait, what?! How is that even possible?" I blurted out, my jaw practically hitting the floor. I mean, come on, knowing Dr. Jaden – he's not the kind of guy who can just get fired like that. The man's got connections that could probably move mountains.

"Just kidding," Scott teased, sipping his orange juice with a smirk. I told ya. He never serious.

"Scott! You scared me there for a moment," Iris scolded. Besides, Iris, Scott, and Dr. Jaden are all in the same department, so it's highly unlikely for her to hear such a rumor. Moreover, Dr. Jaden is such an honorable and respected figure; it's simply impossible.

"Okay, okay, I'm serious now. So apparently..." Scott didn't get to finish his sentence before Iris interrupted.

"Isn't that Fred?"Iris directed her gaze across from my side. The mere mention of Fred's name sent a jolt through me and my heart momentarily offbeat, like a hiccup in its regular rhythm. Unconsciously, my fingers began to fumble and my legs turned into jelly , doing a little shaky dance of their own.

Frederic, my very first love, the person who still holds me captive, holding me from moving on with my life.

People say first love never works out, and it seems that's the case with mine as well. Our memory still lingers in my mind for very longtime, haunting me like a bittersweet melody that refuses to fade away. To make it worse, every movement of mine keeps reminding me of him. Each step I take, every place I visit, and even the simplest gestures evoke memories of him—the way he smiled, the sound of his laughter, the warmth of his touch. His presence has left an indelible mark on my life, and the depth of my love for him is a well of sorrow that seems impossible to fill. It's as if he's still here, haunting my every moment, and I can't escape the heartache that accompanies the sweet reminiscences of our time together though it's not the case for him .

"Is that his daughter?" Iris's question hit me like a sudden gust of wind, sweeping away my composure. My gaze shifted instinctively, desperately seeking out Frederic in the crowd. The mere thought of his potential new life felt like a weight upon my chest, an ache that intensified with each passing heartbeat.

There he was, standing beside a young girl who bore a striking resemblance to him. My heart clenched, and a bittersweet pang of realization washed over me. The scene before me was a tableau of the life that might have been, a haunting reminder of the divergent paths our lives had taken.