Finn's Journal Entries

Finn's Journal Entires

Oct 16th, 2015

Dear journal,

Hey, it's me again. Sorry I haven't written in a while. It's so hard to keep up with this, but I'm writing now and that's all that matters. School has been tough. Just an everyday reminder of where I am on the social ladder of young adolescents. I'm so annoyed with everyone and I hate being a guy sometimes. All the other guys in my grade seem to be this heavy driven testosterone overdosed animals. I hate gym class and I always will. I hate team sports cause everyone is such a jerk. Even the girls get on my nerves.

Every time we play a game of soccer, kickball or basketball, I want to burry myself in the ground. Why does school make us do this? It's just not fair. I'm sick of it, and you know what's the worst part?  Since I'm a guy it's supposed to be in my nature to enjoy sports, to be competitive, to have that winning drive. At lease that's what society makes it to be. Honestly, I couldn't care less. I think it's overwhelming and dumb. I mean maybe if my class mates weren't so big headed and they were nice to me, I would enjoy it. Sigh. Sometimes, I wish I was a girl, so I wouldn't have to deal with these expectations. But then again, they do deal with periods every month so maybe not.

I'm just so insignificant compared to everyone else. I feel like a ghost. No one notices me. No one talks to me. And when they do, it's usually to taunt or tease me.
I hate school, why do we have to be forced into this system starting everyday of the week at 8:30 in the morning. Just makes me want to hide in my room forever.

April 5th, 2018

Dear Journal,
I feel sometimes I wasn't meant to be on this planet. I feel like I don't understand my own kind. I don't get the usual social convention. Dating, sex, society, people's opinions. I don't know. Why is having sex so important? Why does it make you cool? Why does drinking and partying make you more likeable. Why is deciding to not talk, it's weird. People ask me why I don't talk and I have to hold my fist back from slugging them in the face. That girl can go shove it for saying that to me. I feel like some people get where I'm coming from but at the same time not so much.

I've talked to April about and she mostly agrees with me but now a days I've been hearing from her about a boy she talks fondly about. Oh dear lord, I hope that doesn't turn into anything. Because if it does, April will have dated someone before I do! And she's younger than me!! Why do I care so much??  I care cause then I feel lame, pathetic, alone...

There is Skylar. She's really pretty and nice. No. I can't just date her because I'm lonely. That would make me desperate! Ugh, why am I making a fuss about this! I'm only 17! I have the rest of my life to figure this out.... but what if I'm alone in till I'm old and wrinkly?? Ughhhhhh.

I blame high school for this and what we see on stupid romcoms and teenage dramas. Ugh it's sickening. I shouldn't have to feel this way, but when other people are experiencing things I haven't experienced. I get so so jealous.

Who would even want to be with me anyways? Gosh, it makes me cringe thinking of myself with someone. Finn has a girlfriend. Finn is dating that person. Oh my gosh it sounds so wrong! Doesn't sound right to me...

I need to go to bed.

May 1st, 2018

Dear Journal,
I really hate April right now. This is really not fair. I never got these experiences when I was her age. She already has a boyfriend?? I also can't help myself but be worried, because I know what other boys are like. I'm sorry I'ma protective big brother. I really hope this is a dream, just a bad bad dream.

I'm going for a fly to clear my head.

May 20th, 2018
Dating.... What is dating and why are they so obsessed with it?? It's really starting to piss me off. PEOPLE are really starting to piss me. High school could not be more insufferable than it already is. I feel so pathetic. I'm not meant to live in this world. I never was. I'm convinced that I'm from another planet. Then how does that explain my parents and my mother literally giving birth to me. I don't know.... My mind is just so disconnected from everything.

My friends Nathen and Lauren are all about this new kinda of humour. The ✨Dirty✨ kind and it's really annoying me. Even Fey is kind of doing it. He kind of hurt my feelings when we were at Boy Scouts and we were playing this "Adult" game. I've already repressed the name of it in my mind cause it was stupid. But anyways he said "oh you won't get this one Finn, you're too innocent........." I'm pretty sure smoke started to leave my ears and my face was as red as a tomato because after hearing that I felt like I was going to burst into a thousand pieces covering the whole room as I did so. I was not happy after hearing Fey say that. I kinda just stopped playing the game as I was too pissed afterward.

I wanted to die. I just wish I could teleport away so I don't have to sit there in agony waiting in till it's done. Recently I went on a school trip and Lauren and Nathen really started to push my buttons. They were playing this two truths and a lie game that basically just turned into telling each other the dirtiest things that they've done. Lauren said apparently her now ex-boyfriend did it in a hidden corner of the school outside during class time. And I just sat there shocked with my mouth open, really really surprised she didn't tell us that before. I just couldn't understand it. I had nothing to say about it tho. What would I say anyways? Nathen told us his dirty story which was actually a question from Lauren and that if his girlfriend ever gone down on him. Which I of course being the pathetic innocent looser that I am, he no idea what that meant. Apparently it meant sucking his you know what. Ugh. He answered saying he did. More than once.

I wanted to leave, I really wanted to get out of there, but I couldn't. We were on a freaking bus sandwiched between the two. Where would I go? It was absolute tortuuuurrree. And then the worst thing happened and that is when they asked me what my dirty story is... Fuck guys! YOU know I don't have any stories like that!!But they kept on insisting. I swear the were just setting me up for failure. I defeatedly said that I've read some dirty writings before and seen some dirty pictures on instagram. They already knew that though, they kinda went back to talking to each other but still kept asking for me to talk and I just kept saying to them that they knew I didn't have anything to add on to their stupid conversation and I was getting really uncomfortable at this point. I stayed quite after while they just kept on chatting. thankfully they stopped asking me, but all I could do is sit there angry, feeling stupid, pathetic. Questioning if these are truly my friends anymore.

Anyways, I'm done. My hand hurts now. I'm gonna have a nap.

July 1st, 2019
It's a few days in till my birthday. Guess I'm kind of excited. Yesterday I was hanging out with Skylar and had a really good conversation about life. It was comforting. Especially seeing the whole city beneath us, sitting at the top of the CN Tower with our legs hanging over the edge. It's really pretty at that height and I don't think I'll ever get sick of it.

Skylar said she has a gift for me. I'm wondering what it is now. She said she's gonna be really happy when I receive it. Boy, way to make someone anxiously curious. Sky kinda seems different now a days. She's being extra nice to me. I mean she's always been nice to me. Of course we have our little spats while superheroing but yeah we've been able to hit it off pretty well. And I've kinda been proud of myself for having connections with someone of the opposite gender. And of course that isn't a big deal as most people would freak out saying "Oooooh you talked to a giirrrrrllll." No. Shut up. How bout realizing that we're all people? And it's not a big fucking deal when a boy and girl talk? God. But I would be lying if I said I haven't had my fair share of times where I was nervous about talking to girls. But honestly I get that way no matter what person I try to talk to. Guys too. I just suck a talking to everyone in general. Anyway's I got off track.

Back to Skylar. Yeah she seems to act different now a days. Maybe a little part of me wonders if she... likes...me??? No, no. It couldn't be that. That's unlikely she'd like someone like me. I'm out of her league, whatever that means. I mean I know what it means but whatever. I still cringe when I think of someone liking me or being in a relationship. Ugh, it's so weird! I can't imagine it without involuntary twitching and squirming.