Believing You're Lost

I stopped caring a long time ago, about everything. None of it mattered to me anymore. Not even life its self. Why I'm still walking the Earth you ask? I don't have the courage to give up just yet. Something is here that keeps pulling me back every time I try to escape and leave this hell, and I can't figure out what it is. I have no friends, no lover... My parents don't even care about me. "Mom" abanonded me before my first birthday, and my "father" didn't want the responibility. After that was quickly decided, I was dropped off at foster care.

At some age I got adopted by a mother who cared nothing about my life. In fact, I seemed more like a collectors item among her 7 other kids. She went around boasting about me. I felt proud for a while, until I realized that she knew nothing about me and didn't even attempt to act interested when I tried my hardest to show my love.

So now, here I am. 17 and underage drinking away my life at some party that my mom doesn't know about because she was too "busy" to care. This is my final attempt for I won't have any more chances after this one.

I sneak to the bathroom of this persons house and slide the mirror/cabinet to the side. It doesn't take a long time of rummaging before I come across a small orange bottle with a pristene white cap. "Keep out of the hands of small children. Push down then turn." Just a common trait among other bottles with such a content inside.

I unscrew the lid and dump the small white ovals into my hand. I don't count how many, but I'm fairly sure that half the bottle lays in the palm of my hand.

My eyes stare blankly at them. What do I do with them again? I just slip them into my mouth and swallow, don't I? And why am I trembling? I'm not afraid of what comes next.... I'm not afraid...

Curling my fingers over the white medicine, I slam my fist down. I'm such a coward! I release the little ovals and they fall from my hand. Many roll around while a few give a bounce and roll off to hide some where in the room. I snap the lid back on and shove them into the cabinet. Closing the mirror I take a glance at my self.

About 5 '10, short brown hair, dark blue eyes, and a mole to the left of their nose. I've seen this person my entire life. They won't go away no matter how hard I try. And even when I die, I'll be stuck with him.

Letting out a frusterated sigh, I brush my form of death into my hand and clamp my fingers around them. I let my mind slip into a dark era with no hope, no light.

When I leave the bathroom with empty hands, I pick up my cup and resume drinking. I estimate I've got about 10-15 minutes. I'll chung as much alchohol as I can to get that flowing with my system, then head off some where to curl up and think my final thoughts.

I hop in the car about three minutes later, making sure to grab my keys and turn them in the ignition. I'll head somewhere quiet. Somewhere where nobody will easily find me. Somewhere where I'll be forgotten. I think everyone would prefer a case where I vanished completely so they can easily pretend nothing happened.

I just drive along the desolent road, observing the thin tree line, the light posts, and the stars. The world looks so peaceful, as if everything is harmonizing with the pattern of beautiful sleep. Trees sway in a graceful motion, letting their branches rock and loose leaves flutter aimlessly about the air. I smile at this innocent scene. If only this moment was tangible. I would steal it and run as fast as I could to every town, city, and troubled home, and share it. I'd break off a piece and let them feel this calmness that I so gladly embrace.

Taking a deep breath, I tear my self from this moment and force more focus onto the road. I jerk the steering wheel down some road that looks like it hasn't been used in years. It rocky and my car jitters around and shakes me inside, which doesn't settle well with my ever increasing heart beat.

I turn my focus back to nature. I don't want to think about my end, I don't want to think about what comes after my final breath, if anything happens. Instead, I want to resume that small happiness I felt not to long ago.

I observe the world passing by. It just turned September four days ago. The leaves should be changing their colors soon. I almost wish I timed my death so that my final sight would be that of those beautiful leaves, but you can't go back in time, can you? What's done is done, anyway. My finger reaches up to wipe away a falling tear.

A light dances from my side view. Wait, a light? I stare intently at it. What is that? Its only now that my vision decides to blur and twist the world into a misty image. It almost looks like a camp fire or something, but that light keeps divinding into two, so I can't tell. I guess I'll find out soon, because we're approaching each other. Perhaps its a ghost or even god him self to lead my soul from my broken body and take it far far away.

The light keeps bouncing from a single source to two. Kinda like a show for me, a final dance for the end. Whatever it is, I can't tell if its happy or sad that I'm leaving. It just bounces back and forth, never being able to make up it's mind, but I like it. I give it an approving smile even though I know it can't see it. Just a bit further until it reaches me. If it's god, maybe he'll embrace me or even stroke my head, reassuring me that everything is alri-

Its a car.

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I let out a shreik.

"H-he's..."

My arm wipes my tears. There's blood everywhere.

He tumbled from his car after we collided. I couldn't see him without his head lights on and now...

I kneel beside him and release a shaken breath.

"D-don't die, please!" I shout at his sprawled out body. I pound on his chest desperately for a beat or a flutter of the heart, but nothing comes.

"You can't die, you can't die!" He's about my age, and if there is so much I haven't done then...then for him....

The color from his face drains. I press my lips against his and provide for him a breath.

"I called the peramedics, just hang on!"

I lower my head to his chest and listen to him for any sign of life. It's silent besides the flickering of the flame bursting from our cars. Nothing is working. I push deeper into his torso, trying to reach his heart.

"This is all futile." At least that's what a voice inside of me says. I listen to it.

I stumble back from his still body and try to steady my breathing. This can't be happening, its just a dream. A horrible, vivid, dream.

Sirens wail down the street, and they're here in less than a minute. They bend down to quickly pick up his body and haul it away. His arm dangles and it's only then that I notice the scars on his wrist...

And the smile on his face.