Notes:
hey so this is a bleh all over my word doc lmao bc i was sad and then i started writing and this just came out of my head
i will say this is really sad. it wasn't my intention to make it anything but sad, so it's more just a continuous flow of sadness throughout the whole thing.
it shows a harsh reality that no one else seems to look at.
anyways- just a general tw for graphic descriptions and such revolving around suicide!
stay safe <3
Work Text:
"You okay, Tor?"
Precisely four weeks, seven hours, and thirteen minutes ago Tallulah tried to kill herself. She had a downward spiral that eventually led her to slice-and-dice herself in her bathtub, that had been so rudely interrupted by her nosy mother.
She stayed in psychiatric care for two weeks, most of those days spent dwelling on the fact she, once again, was a failure at something. Although, despite not feeling better, she knew that if she really wanted to kill herself she had to do it the right way. It was a bad enough stay that it made her regret not cutting deeper.
Now, she had these ugly, white bandages on her arms, cuts that would leave a giant nasty scar from her wrist to elbow.
If she dissociates long enough, she can remember her mother screams for her father to call an ambulance. She can remember the sound of the flatline that was almost like an out-of-body experience. Tallulah can remember the confused dreamlike state she was in for three days post suicide attempt (coma, correction, she was in a coma). All the fake attempts from people who knew her trying to get her to wake up.
Yunjin, her long term boyfriend, obviously had kept it real. Told her straight on that it was an idiotic thing for her to do, and if she needed someone to talk to he was there for her. Tor knew Yunjin was scared deep down.
Tallulah really wished everyone would stop caring.
That people would stop with the fake kindness, the pity of her being a messed up seventeen year old who had too many issues to uncover. Therapists had requested to not work with her, doctors said there was nothing they could do, her only option was to become a walking zombie because of all the shitty medication they prescribed her.
Tallulah had about twenty unused bottles of the same shit, for it being her bipolar, ptsd, and some stupid fucking anorexia meds her doctors forced on her. She wasn't even anorexic, she just happened to not want to eat or do anything that involved getting to a healthy weight.
She just didn't care. Tallulah never cared, when she wasn't having a meltdown or a panic attack, her brain completely disconnected from reality. Her spurts of paranoia and tics were only a figment of Tor finally coming back down to earth.
Her father called her psychotic, but it wasn't like he didn't play a part in why he was so fucked up. R.T, the fucked up methhead who refuses to believe he's bipolar and shit. Everyone knew that. Her father just hated being wrong.
And her mom- who even cares. She put on such a front that she doesn't even know who she is half the time, being so giddy, ditsy, and giving was all she was. Tor genuinely couldn't remember the last time, besides the scream-crying from her suicide attempt, that her mother did anything but smile and pretend their family was perfect.
Tallulah didn't want to be alive.
What was there to be alive for?
Was there a true purpose or was she simply just going about living knowing there was no beautiful purpose? Tallulah reeled forwards and grabbed her head.
