CATHARSIS

Emily Bronte shit

I dipped my last fry into the sauce I don't even know the name of but I love it. My stomach was past the point of full, we were way past that point. I throw away all the evidence of what I just ate quickly and go back to my room in shame. This was my life. The urge gnawing at my brain to eat more. Food had a control over me that I don't think other people had. So I came up with my full proof plan. So I don't end up on 600 pound life I don't eat during the week. I mean I eat but never to satisfaction. Only on the weekends I am allowed this privilege. I have to stay strong, I think as I lie in bed. There's no more food to eat there's no more reason to be awake then I think turning over. That night I had a recurring dream of going through the lunch line at school and getting the most delicious food. It was orgasmic eating all that sugar without any consequences.

I woke up that morning feeling god awful. That morning shit was definitely done brewing. I look over at my clock and curse out loud. I hurry and grab my bag and run out the door ignoring my screaming mother. I ran all the way to school. It wasn't far, my mom has it set up to where I take the bus but I'd rather walk. Shit I'm gonna get detention since I don't have an excuse. This will be on my record. My record is fuckin perfect! And really when I was about to apply to all these colleges? If I wasn't running I'd be sitting down on the ground hyperventilating. Once I reached my school I ran to the office out of breath.

"Shay Manning? What on earth you look so sick," the woman at the front desk said.

"I'm so sorry I didn't mean to, I overslept because I was so stupid I went to this par-" I start to lie.

"We've all been there," the principal said walking out of his office. I hurriedly looked down at myself still in my pajamas....which wasn't exactly in dress code. I covered myself and tried fixing my hair, "You're number one in the school...everyone makes mistakes sometimes," he smiles at me and I smile back, "Write her a note telling the teacher to exempt her tardiness," he tells the front desk lady and he looks back at me. He looked down at my legs and I pushed my bag in front of me so he couldn't see. He motions for me to follow him so I do, "I reckon you didn't think to change before running here...there you go," he says handing me a pair of jeans and a shirt.

"Thank you so much Mr. Davis I'm serious," I say. I look down at the tag on the jeans and see it said 10, "Um this isn't-"

"Here's a belt, we don't have that many options down here," he says pointing to a big bin of clothes. I nod and grab my note heading to the bathroom. I slid on the jeans and wondered if he really picked them because he thought they would fit me. My legs were very muscular so they could seem big I guess. No matter what I do they stay bulky. I tightly put on the belt and change my shirt heading off to class....after my morning shit. Lunch was always the best period and I couldn't be more sarcastic. Eating in public doesn't go well with me. I decided to go up to the library and study instead of pretending to not notice people staring every lunch period. As soon as I walk in I notice a guy with shaggy brownish hair in his book. I noticed it was Wuthering Heights.

"Ugh," I say aloud without realizing it. He looks up, surprising the shit out of me, "oh my gosh no I'm sorry I just really really hate that book" I try explaining I wasn't disgusted with him.

"Why?" He asks genuinely curious.

"It's so stupid, the main girl is so dumb! It's so dramatic and ugh stupid just stupid," I say and he chuckles.

"Thought most girls liked these kind of books," he shrugs.

"Well I don't fit into the category of most girls," I say taking a seat at another table near him.

"Well, I'm just reading this for class by the way," he assures me.

"Protecting your masculinity?" I say shyly. This is probably the most I've had a real conversation with a guy my age.

"I guess," he smiles and I smile back. I didn't know what else to say, I guess it finally kicked in that I was talking to a guy. We kinda smiled a little more then he went back to his book and I pulled out mine, just thankful mine was Great Gatsby rather than Wuthering Heights. Next class was gym. I waited in a stall waiting til I heard the last locker shut before going out and changing into my shorts. Though I hated the outfit. I loved working out so I had a love hate relationship with this class. We went outside to the field to play some soccer. I played defense meaning I just stood there cause that's all defense does. I watched Sarah as she ran up and down the field. How does she live with those boobs? Mine weren't A cups but definitely not about to fall off my body. I couldn't imagine all that baggage on me. As I heard these thoughts I got hit in the head with the ball.

"Come on Shay! Kick it over here!!" I hear. Without thinking I just kick the ball and it goes out the field. I hear grunts and all the disappointed words by the people on my team. I roll my eyes pretending not to care that I disappointed them. I look out by the fence and have to blink twice. I thought I saw a girl waving at me but her smile was slit ear to ear. I roll my eyes once again as my brain for some reason wants to imagine the most fucked up things right now. I should probably be on medicine but it doesn't happen enough for me to think it's a real problem.

"So why were you late to school?" my mom asks at dinner.

"I overslept. But don't worry mom, the principal let it pass this time," I say.

"Well there better not be a next time," she says with a stern voice. Can she say one nice thing? Can she not be mean all the time? I stuff a piece of broccoli in my mouth and huff, "what's wrong with the chicken?" She asks since I haven't touched it.

"I don't know maybe it's the high saturated fat and cholesterol-"

"Don't start this I'm a vegetarian or vegan or whatever the fuck shit again," she cuts me off. I wanted to speak my mind so bad. She literally has hypertension and diabetes now but can't connect it to all the shitty food she eats. It's not me being a veg or whatever, it's just the truth.

"I'm finished," I say mostly out of spite.

"You didn't even eat your potatoes...girl I swear if you keep wasting this damn food I don't have money growing on trees-" I tune her out as I sit there waiting for her to stop. I know we have money problems but she doesn't cook the food I want to eat so I'm just not going to eat, "give it here I'll eat it," she says. Fine, get fat and die. I had to take a moment to digest that thought I just had and it made my stomach turn. That was a bit harsh...but something inside me felt that. I hurry and change into my workout clothes. I brush out my hair and look at myself in the mirror. These yoga pants were a little tight but basically all of them are so I just decided to leave it be. I hear my mom being ghetto as hell yelling at her friend over the phone about workplace drama. I take this as my shot to go outside without hearing her nag. I put in my earphones and start to jog around the neighborhood. I felt at such peace jogging. Swiping through the cool night breeze and feeling on top of the world. If only I could keep this feeling with me all the time. I'm in a constant state of dread. It's a lot being the best or at least wanting to be. Once I finally reached number one in school it only fueled more anxiety to keep the title. I had no friends, no life outside of this. I finally stop feeling the high feeling I get and walk the rest of the way back home.